News
that belongs in the past
Steve Jobs
Prepares for Grey Goo, Bill Gates Gets Perm
By Grey Sports
Continued from the first Apocalyptic
Epic: Doomsday
Clock.
The ninth most unlikely partnership in history, that of Steve Jobs and Bill
Gates with the goal of preventing Doomsday (the day, not the comic book character)
has begun to make slow progress.
Harnessing the power of their joint resources Jobs has begun with the duo’s
easiest problem: Nanites overrunning the world, also known as the Grey Goo
Scenario, as the microscopic and sub microscopic machines could conceivably
turn the entire planet into a greyish mush consisting of nothing but themselves
if given the opportunity.
Using Microsoft modelling and experimental nanite construction Jobs has predicted
the likely vector nanites will take, both physically, geographically and mentally.
So far he has revealed that physically the different variations matter little,
nanites will start harvesting raw material, probably in the form of metals,
initially in raw form then from organic sources, such as human blood.
The most likely starting points are all in the Northern Hemisphere, with the
exception of one mysterious spot in Antarctica that Jobs said he wasn’t
allowed to talk about until he “crushed those insolent military fools!”
Mentally the nanites would start as simple tools, however once their population
reached into the millions of trillions then the likelihood of the machines
achieving a group sentience reached certainty, and from that point on, while
an area of the planet the size of India with its attendant population may
be irrevocably lost, we should have a chance to negotiate with them on equal
terms, or at least convince them that we’re not worth the trouble of
digesting.
As far as Jobs is concerned the main issue is containment. The nanites would
immediately have the capacity to consume almost anything for reproduction,
theoretically no conventional barrier would work.
One possibility is to keep them in place by feeding them enough raw materials
until they attain a benign sentience. This is risky as feeding them the world’s
garbage would be the easiest method by volume, but one Paris Hilton music
CD could bring about the end times.
Another is to use something that is nigh on indestructible, to the point of
taxing reality with its very existence.
Such things are available, at great cost, but in limited quantity. Things
like Keith Richards, Donald Trump’s comb over, and the continued success
of Adam Sandler in the field of entertainment.
Steve Jobs is confident however that one or more of these could be extended,
possibly even combined, to suit his purposes.
In the meantime partner Bill Gates has a new hairstyle, specifically curls.
Sporting an afro Bill Gates announced that this was, to date, his most significant
contribution to preventing the end of the world.
“This represents the end of me, Bill Gates, the money hungry corporate
computer giant, and the beginning of the benevolent money hungry corporate
computer giant with dreams of not dying.”
Experts agree that nothing says the end of the world has competition like
a rich white guy with a ridiculous hairstyle.
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