Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 5/24/05
Ewok Jockeys Poised for Dominance
By, Grey Sports
With the impending completion of what George Lucas has repeatedly called
the last Star Wars movie the creator of the science fiction epic has started
to release many of his creations with the aim of bettering their lot in
the real world.
While now we must contend with Wookie Wrestlers, Droid Bartenders and
Gungan Punk Ska Bands it is the smallest of George Lucas’ creatures that
have the most to contend with.
Thankfully we are not talking about Yoda this time.
Jawas are still struggling to find their niche, with many acting as a
“hands free” version of the I-Pod, while Ugnaughts are fast becoming the
new White Trash, settling into heavily fortified Trailer Parks deep in
the Tornado Valley section of the US.
Ewoks as it turns out may be the single greatest success story, something
no one expected from “oversized teddy bears”. With a little makeup this
stereotype is being exploited for a new range of Christmas Specials, though
by far the most lucrative employment for Ewoks has turned out to be jockeying.
Though heavy for their size the Ewok affinity for animals coupled with
their natural exuberance more than compensates for any disadvantages,
especially as they are half the size of human jockeys.
Though no Ewok has yet placed better than fourth many consider that these
are winners in the making, requiring only a little seasoning before they
start to dominate the sport.
There have been some setbacks. The first is the necessity of modified
saddles and racing harnesses. Though the Ewoks were more than willing
to ride bareback safety regulations had to be followed.
Likewise trying to get one of these creatures to wear a helmet has been
almost impossible due to cultural moors that forbade the public removal
of their hoods. Only medical tests that showing the average Ewok skull
as being forty five percent thicker than a humans have mitigated this
circumstance, with a light form of rubber padding being all that is required.
As yet there have been no successful moves to put Ewoks in pants, much
to the dismay of parents groups.
By far the most distressing turn of events is the feud between the Ewok
and Scouttrooper jockeys.
Seeking a new source of employment these former speederbike troopers must
now face their arch nemesis on the racetrack. So far incidents have been
mostly peaceful, if you consider a full grown man clad in white armour
that will deflect most weapons and protect from most impacts running at
the sight of an Ewok on horseback, screaming for his mother to be peaceful.
More than one Scouttrooper has complained that the Ewoks have an unfair
psychological advantage gained on Endor with the unfair use of horse steroids
(unfair in that the troopers were using them and they still did not help).
However until an actual incident occurs there is nothing anyone can do
to change these events, leaving the troopers to just deal with it.