Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 5/1/05
Defiant Bid to Return Dignity to SuperBowl
By Grey Sports
After the efforts of recent years, Janet Jackson, Justin Timberlake,
and many others in the half time show owners of football teams in conjunction
with the major sports networks have decided to take a radical new approach
to the presentation of games in an effort to return what they see as stolen
The problem? The plan relies entirely on the players.
While it may be somewhat harsh to claim that the NFL players are inadequate
to the task of returning dignity to their game it must be remembered that
NFL players generally fall into one of two categories: That of an athletic
intellectual who cannot be taken seriously because they are athletic and
intellectual, and those who look like they could ram a bus with their
heads and take no damage.
It is the latter image that has many in the media laughing at this idea.
While not all NFL players have collars that measure bigger than their
hat sizes enough do to stereotype the entire group.
Most find it mind-boggling that anyone could take this idea seriously.
Then they consider how close we all came to having Oprah clog dance to
accompany Melissa Joan Hart’s version of the US national anthem, a song
she still believes starts with “O Canada . . .”
With this in mind, though many jokes are made, no one has the slightest
intention of stopping this plan.
Although it must be said that the jokes have had the effect of modifying
the plan several times so far.
There were initial plans for etiquette lessons and public forum debates,
several football players have an excellent grasp of state politics in
their home regions, many would have relished the chance to discuss their
favourite issues over a cup of tea.
Then came the posters of large, big-necked men holding little teacups
with their pinkies raised.
Other ideas were similarly picked up by the media and mocked to such a
degree that they became unfeasible.
What was left? Clowns. It was decided that brighter colours, floppy shoes
and novelty flowers were what would bring dignity back to a game plagued
by “costume malfunctions”, “bratty child stars” and CNN.
This idea has yet to be openly mocked, in part because it is still hard
to believe. However when considering the rising costs and the number of
sponsor logos that may be slapped onto player uniforms covering them with
bright yellow polka dots is not that insane.
During a trial game between test teams the new look met with distain initially.
This seems to have been the result more of the players’ unease with their
new conditions, until one assistant deputy coach came up with the idea
of playing the game as the Harlem Globetrotters would.
The result was an energetic game filled with back flips, flying leaps,
massed flower squirting and broken bones. The crowd loved it.
Whether this will return dignity to the NFL is unknown, though it seems
likely that it will keep the money flowing, and that will most likely
be enough for now.