Past Sports




Sports coverage for the week of 4/30/10

European soccer stars say American's “don't know the meaning of unsportsmanlike”
By Cozmic

After the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was suspended for six games without pay after bad conduct, off the field, and rather unrelated to the sport of football, European soccer stars have said that Americans clearly have no feel for proper scandals and unsportsmanlike conduct.
“I mean, who gets suspended for sexually assaulting someone?” said now retired French soccer Star Zinedine Zidane. “That's like, not even a real thing if you're famous! Everyone should just want you because they want you!” Zidane is no stranger to what he calls “proper” unsportsmanlike conduct after the 2006 FIFA World Cup final, his final official game, where he headbutted Italian player Marco Materazzi in the chest.
Of course, another American who was accused of sexual assault, because he decided hotel employees are fantastic, is basketball player Kobe Bryant. Bryant, despite claiming to be able to get laid without trying to force it on someone, is also considered a wuss. While not as big a wuss as Roethlisburger, Bryant is still a wuss because he does not play the sport and take chances to hurt someone wherever possible, but at least he did not get kicked out of the sport for a few games. That one can play a sport without trying to hurt someone is true for some European soccer stars as well, but this is because they have other people to deal out damage for them. Serious people, people who have made an entire career out of getting a red card after five minutes, but by then they have broken the legs of half the opposing team.
Then there are players like Nani for Manchester United, who plays extremely well but still gets to cause his own damage and thinks that, hey, a four game suspension is nothing. Or, on the opposite end of the spectra of all the American's accused of sexual assault, there is Franck Ribéry, who knows you do not have to rape a woman, you can simply pay her, and also score massive bonus points if she is underaged. The best part is that he might get away with this for feigning ignorance like a good European Soccer Star. See, it is better to pretend that you are simply ignorant than to come off as a complete tool. No, only Americans manage to come off as complete tools, says Zidane, recalling how Chicago Blackhawks star Patrick Kane attacked a cab driver. Over 20 cents.
And few European Soccer Stars have ever been caught using performance enhancing drugs, which “is just proof you are a total wimp anyway.”
Of course, nobody knows how American SOCCER players acts, but then again, few people know there is such a thing as soccer in Northern America. They might be just straight up terrible people from all walks of life, but since they are even more ignored than the hockey players, nobody cares.

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