Sports coverage for the week of 4/4/10
Returning to Golf – Under Conditions
The return of Tiger Woods to golf was a highly anticipated moment in sports, if only so we could find out what sort of artful dodges he would apply to the very many questions put to him.
However there was still a game involved, and that’s what Tiger is there to do.
And to make extra sure of that Erin Not-Yet-Ex Woods has hired some insurance.
A group of Private Military Contractors, looking for something a little more challenging and still potentially less deadly than Iraq have taken up the contract, providing armed guards on a 24 hour basis.
Each guard is tasked with watching a particular part of Woods, one for his head, one for his penis, one for each testicle and one for his cell phone.
Since Tiger Woods has no known deadly skills and has demonstrated an inability to defend himself against one woman this should prove safer for the contractors than Iraq, and as a man who managed to conduct as many as fifteen separate extramarital affairs at once he certainly can provide both the mental and physical challenge sought.
All the same each soldier has been provided with a suicide pill and is under orders to keep one bullet for themselves, in case Tiger Woods lives up to either his name as a man eating beast, or his name as a suspiciously inanimate thing that has the propensity to fall on people without warning.
Why Erin Woods would use such measures when Vegas odds makers and Lloyds of London give better than eighty percent odds that she’ll divorce Tiger and take him for every product endorsement he has is unknown.
One theory is that after the porn star pregnancy thing Erin wants to cut down on possible heirs until she has secured a fortune for her children.
Another theory is that rather than being a bitter divorcee, a la Heather Mills, Erin would rather be portrayed as a strong, grieving widow.
Considering that Tiger Woods has not yet admitted to stopping very many of these affairs it may just mean that it’s a matter of time until the mercenaries find him in the arms/legs/unmentionables of yet another woman and then shoot him as their legally binding contract demands.
Some have questioned this possibility based on legality, however since most male lawyers are married to women and most women lawyers are married to me it’s thought that not shooting Tiger Woods if he’s caught cheating on his wife, again, while surrounded by heavily armed men with orders to kill him under these circumstances sends the wrong message to children.
In any event many gamblers are taking the bet that neither Tiger Woods’ genitalia nor his cell phone are not long for this world.
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