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Past sports article for the week of 1/16/10

Pets lash out against stupid holiday gifts
By Cozmic

Cats, dogs and guinea pigs everywhere are lashing out against the veritable torrent of incredibly stupid gifts people have bought them, or are planning on buying them, for Christmas.
The Cat or Dog Association (COD) has, in between arguing for a better name that makes either felines or canines seem superior to the other (the guinea pigs don't even get a vote, and are seriously looking to break out to form a group with the rabbits and mice), decided that no pet shall be forced to wear, or even receive, stupid gifts like Santa hats this holiday season. They have also made it very clear, through sneaking around and sabotaging GPS devices that while keeping track of where your dog is through a global positioning system, cats will not stand for it. They, if the message of kitty litter all over everything with a GPS or chain or lock is correctly interpreted, quite prefer their freedom.
Dogs, meanwhile, have threatened to sabotage DNA kits, or maybe they were pointing out Timmy fell down a well again, the jury is still sort of out on that one. However, as Timmy was not found in a well, one can assume that DNA test kits are not something dogs are extremely pleased with. Really, think about it, how would you feel if someone came and did a random DNA test on you to see who peed on the firehydrant, or who your relatives were without you knowing? Yeah, didn't think so!
Some serious investigative reporting even managed to reveal the likes of the guinea pigs of COD, who were lashing out against everything they couldn't play around with, run around in, or devour like the lords of destruction they secretly are. So that's a maybe on clothing, depending on what they are made of, or rather, how edible they are.
Speaking of clothing made out of things, imagine wearing a scarf made from your own hair. No, not like a warm, fluffy beard, an actual, separate from your body scarf. Quite morbid, wouldn't you say? At least, this seems to be COD's opinion, violently protesting against yarn and things knitted from it made out of their very own fur. They say, if the peestains in the snow were correctly interpreted, that if they wanted to keep the fur, they wouldn't get rid of it, now would they?
All of this can be quite easily summarised as follows: guinea pigs are rather bullied by dogs and cats, and dogs and cats really, really hate the stupid gifts you try to buy them to make them look cute, or what you think is fun for them. Of course, what your pets actually like is quite simple: steak, steak and maybe some steak for dogs, and catnip for cats. Guinea pigs never did get a say in this one, and our translator failed to properly understand the squeaks and beeps they made, blaming it on some weird accent. But according to the rest of COD, they do not matter a whole lot anyway and should be happy with what they get. The rest of COD is sort of mean.

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