Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 11/16/09

World governments to develop new athletic sneakers
By Cozmic

Since the ”super-suit” for swimming is going to be forbidden in competing next year, leaving most swimmers to once again actually get wet, the world's governments have tunred to new sports where they can get some sort of supreme advantage through the evolution of something simple. Obviously everyone knows that all the real power in sports on land eventually comes down to the lowest common denominator for every event, the feet. Too suspicious of companies that will try and sell shoes to other countries for profit and to pay wages, the world's governments have decided to put their top scientists in the field of sneakerology to the test and task of creating shoes beyond people's wildest imaginings. Talks are already of shoes that will break the speed of sound, and the US claims to have accomplished this already, but other nations claim that putting a shoe on an F-22 does not count.
Japan has enlisted the aid of classic video-game charactre Sonic the Hedgehog, in an attempt to find out just how he runs so fast, and what was in those shoes that made him run even faster. Of course, Sonic has barely been any help at all, since the blue hedgehog has been busy grinding up rings into dust so he can snort them off a boy he adopted and named Ring. Of course, the Japanese people, much like the rest of the world, can barely remember the time Sonic actually moved at supersonic speeds, and now the formerly glorious Sega mascot is so lazy he even needs a car to get around.
Meanwhile Mexico has enlisted the help of Speedy Gonzalez, who pointed out he prefers to run barefoot, although a dampening shoe that kept him from breaking every bone in his feet would actually be sort of nice. Mexico then proceeded to yell at him and let him be chased by a cat for five violent minutes.
Jamaica would have the best guy to actually help design a shoe, but Jamaica is severely lacking in the shoe-dsigning department, although not in the fast-running-people department, for which Usain Bolt would feel a great degree of frustration, except he is currently involved in a bidding war between Nike, Adidas and Reebok, and simultaneously trying to convince the United States that you cannot buy a persons nationality with millions of dollars, but perhaps billions will work.
Of course, not everything is wacky when it comes to designing new footwear, as a matter of fact, most of it is excruciatingly boring and consists entirely of people stanidng around trying to figure out whether a water-repelling shoe makes people run faster, and the realization that the things break as soon as you try and put one on, much like the super-suits for swimming.However, whether these new shoes will ever actually make a person set new world records or simply make their feet smell less is a matter for the future, and chronometers, not to mention Jamaican men with extremely long legs and names that remind you of lightning.

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