Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 11/8/09

Sweden seeks ways to saboteur Stephen Colbert's speedskaters
By Cozmic

Now that the Colbert Nation is sponsoring the American speedskaters in the Vancouver Olympics, people are suddenly sort of scared. After all, Colbert has said that he sees the Olympics much like a war, except nobody gets hurt, and frankly, most people are sick of the US going to war and winning, only to then end up stuck in the same place for half a decade, especially as Canada would rather be left alone. Sweden, a neutral country for decades, considers sports to be sports, but a chance to cause a mess is always a fun thing. Besides, the general sentiment is that speedskating might be rather pointless but a medal is still totally a medal, even if it is for something about as important as duck-feeding, and to that end, Sweden has started work on several plans to foil the Colbert Nation skaters.
The simple, brutish part of this plan involves tactics ironically learned from Tonya Harding, meaning collapsible batons will most likely meet kneecaps and people will be outraged. But just because Colbert says people do not get hurt in sports does not mean it is true. Lots of people hurt themselves, or preferably others, in sports competitions.
A perhaps more ethically defensible plan was the plan where Sweden would have its own celebrity-endorsement. This seemed like a great idea until people realized all the Swedes with money have left the country for greener, lower tax, pastures, and that nine million people can raise a considerably lower amount of dough than 300 million people can. Of course, the fact that there are very few Swedish celebrities who people actually like on a big enough scale to give them money for something without getting much of anything in return is another highly contributing factor,as might be the lack of anyone ever having heard of a Swedish speedskating team, because frankly, there is hockey to be played. Still, the search continues for someone who could potentially out-Colbert Stephen Colbert, no doubt a daunting task, especially when you only have somewhere in the vicinity of one thirty fourth of the population.
So aside from the violent and, to be perfectly honest, the stupid, what else does the little elongated country have up its sleeves? How about the slightly-less-violent and not all too stupid but still not very well thought-out plan, to create a skating team made up of hockey rejects and have them tackle everyone else or maybe just plain pummel them into submission so they lose? If that does not impress you, then you can join the rest of the ranks of people who consider it a pretty stupid idea and think that maybe, just maybe, the key to winning is to simply be better than the other teams and nations. And once you are standing there, you can feel the lameness of your soul contaminating everyone else, while the fun people continue to try and figure out a way to beat the Colbert Nation.

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