Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 9/30/09

Body paint and sports: a practical guide to not looking like an idiot
By Cozmic

While happily standing there in the appropriate shirt, or sitting at the bar, is usually good enough for most sports fans, sometimes you have to go the extra mile and stick with face paint. Or go beyond even that, opting for body paint, although this makes it exceptionally easy to make you look like a complete and utter tool.
The first thing to consider is just WHERE paint is to be applied. Remember that wearing a shirt is always a good idea, and I mean always (for exceptions, read on)! Nobody wants to see your giant man boobs even if there's a giant Detroit Red Wings logo painted on them okay? Stick to a hockey jersey, please!
Of course, exceptions are: if it is freakishly warm and you forgot your proper sports shirt and have a body that is not utterly revolting to see, then you may try and mimic a proper shirt as well as possible using the means at your disposal. Please not the incredibly important part of NOT having an entirely revolting torso if you are going to attempt this, and there is NEVER an exception that allows you to get away with not wearing underwear. And don't pretend you don't already have sports themed underwear, okay!? Nobody believes you!

Second of all: color choice! If you are going to paint yourself to show how much you love your favorite sports team, at least take the time to properly learn their colors, please! The New York Rangers were never green, and neither is Manchester United! You have the shirt already, just look at the colors of that thing! And for the love of everything, do not paint your face yellow and blue only to have it all blend together into green when we have to chase your hallucinating, drunken, paranoid behind around a town we barely know (sadly, this is a one hundred per cent true story)!

Finally, make sure you do this only when it is crucially important to show how much you obsess over your favorite team, because they try and obsess even more! This means you can only wear body paint at game time, preferably while drinking beer, and whatever you do, avoid doing this near the opposite teams dudes if you are all alone, as they are sure to beat the snot out of you. Of course, if you can write a great insult to the other team while promoting yours, you'd win for sure. And otherwise, well, body painting might simply be far too much of a hassle. You will screw up ninety per cent of the time, especially if you show up at your office still daubed in color after passing out in a dumpster from drinking way too many things you prefaced with “celebration” the night before, like celebrationbeer, or celebrationscotch, or the always joyous celebrationabsinthe, which leaves you in a state of not even knowing what the score was last night. So if you do care about how people view you, make sure to be very, very, very selective with your body paint use, and please, please try to look somewhat representable, or at least make sure you truly are surrounded by similar idiots.

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