Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 9/23/09

Mayan Calendar Predicts Sporting Disaster
By Grey Sports

As a new doom movie brings attention to something barely understood that could bring unpleasantness to our lives opens in theatres there is a shock new discovery that may doom it at the box office even more than the fact it’s going to the box office.
According to the latest translations it appears that sometime in late 2012 ancient forces will rise and completely pants us at sports.
No earth shattering kaboom, no eldritch abominations rising to eat our minds and wipe their noses with our socks, no cities falling into the ocean and tidal waves rushing up to our doorways and trying to sell us magazines.
Not that anyone is unworried by the prospect.
Apparently there is a glyph that looks exactly like Tiger Woods next to the “pwned” glyph. It is thought that this means that Derek Derekson, world Xbox Tiger Woods Golf Champion will be beaten at his own computer game, a previously unthinkable event.
Such is Derekson’s standing in the world of online golfing that it is thought that if he ever loses a match then the entire sport is done for, and no one will ever play a computerised golf game ever again.
The long term effects of this are unknown as no one has ever tried to calculate how many people play computerised golf for fear of what the results might be.
Consequently Derekson’s hands will soon be frozen in carbonite to await the fateful day when they will be needed to defend humanity.
Some have protested at this measure, saying that Derekson needs his hands for the intense practice this troubling blurry vision of the future promises.
Still more have said it’s a stupid idea to freeze just his hands and that the rest of him should be frozen as well.
And a vocal minority have said this whole thing is ridiculous, as carbonite doesn’t exist and that the George Lucas will sue everyone into oblivion for suggesting the use of his fictional creation.
Official word from the UN is that there is nothing to worry about. Official word from the Vatican is that if they don’t say it’s the Rapture then it isn’t the Rapture. Official word from Tiger Woods is “Huh?” While Xbox executives everywhere are trying to plug the latest golfing game which they claim will avert the certain destruction rumoured to await the genre.
Meanwhile the world at large shrugs and gets on with its life, but for one point.
When asked just how a Mayan glyph could be translated as spelling “pwned” even when the word is still pronounced “owned” experts told reporters to “Shut up!”

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