Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 9/7/09

Confessions of a Dislocated Texan

Alcohol, it can make a sports fan out of anyone
By Ezra Mann (Editor in Spoof)

As I make the amazing journey through young adulthood Iíve started to understand why booze and sporting events fit so well together. Itís not necessarily because alcohol is the perfect companion to a game (at least not when it comes to some stadiums serving piss for beer due to contracts), but more of what magical wonders happen when the two merge.
Sure you have your mean drunks that can take the joy out of any experience, yet most of the people who enjoy a cold buzz can be some of the most entertaining spectators in the area. I myself enjoy drinking among friends and might even be part of something that can be more exciting than the event, except for the fact that Iím the most boring person when under the influence (turns out Iím a great political debater when on a alcohol trip). In any case, there is always someone else to do the hilarious honor in my place and it can even be a way to make it to the end of a competition.
The only way I can figure that so many professional teams are around these days is because of the overpriced inebriation. Only one team can be the champion each season, which leaves a base-load of others trying to forget about how lousy the season went.
Case in point, teams including my Texas Rangers or the Chicago Cubs who have probably inspired plenty of alcoholics over the years. You can only take so many agonizingly bad innings before you want to buzz the rest of the evening away. Shoot, the NFL could probably form its own branch of AA clubs with the number of teams who fumble away a chance at glory (woe to be a Bills fan in the 90s).
During the average depressing season the typical drunken fan can be both amusing and informative. Between the incoherent yelling and bad dancing to stadium tunes, one might actually file the memory away for future laughs or lessons, even if their team loses by 100 or more points.
Why you wouldnít think youíd need help discerning one bad call from another, but in case your judgment slips, eight Coors Johnny has got your statistical back. Later you can enjoy a good chuckle when he performs an uncanny Dick Van Dike impression when he mangles himself in the process of catching a foul ball. For those who may forget where they are, you are the most fortunate of all, because someone is bound to feel the duty to remind the opposing team that they are not at home each and every time they are on offense.
The great thing about these kinds of experiences is, no matter how early they may be thrown out, the booze hounds will be back and possibly in worse condition than before. This kind of dedication warrants printing of memorabilia or at least a nice glossy card where you might be fortunate enough to have them vomit their autograph.
Yes little Johnny, thereís no point becoming a heavy statistic in an obesity laden society when there are still fine individuals who keep breathalyzer companies in business. Who knows, one of these tipsy sporting icons could even send you a friends request on Twitter where you can see them update while in the loss vertical stability. Just pray the drinking relationship with sports never falters or we may witness an extinction even Al Gore canít prevent.

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