Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 8/29/09

Animals for the Win
By Puns McKenna

Everyone knows or at least has heard of Track & Field events. What I want to know is what would happen if there was a more animal twist on them. What would happen if say, a Cheetah won the hundred-meter dash, or if an Ostrich were to win the mile? Would you sit back and watch the events like normal? How would you react if you saw a Baboon throwing a shot put? Do you think it would be fair for a Chimpanzee to win at the discus or hammer throw events? How about an Albatross winning the javelin toss. Springbok's running the hurdles?

Animals in a decathlon are somewhat reminiscent of Snoopy from Peanuts in "You're a Good Sport Charlie Brown". See I don't know if it would be viable. I mean cartoon animals can do whatever their creators can think of. Real animals, though… Maybe a cheetah could win the hundred-meter dash if it was chasing a meal, but who would want to watch that train-wreck? An ostrich might win the mile, if it had a cheetah on it's tail, though it might be more likely to try and bury its head in the rubberized track. I wonder if the beak could get through that tough spongy material?

Now, chimps and baboons, I could see these "little" critters tossing around shot puts and discuses. I just don't know if they could do it the way that they're supposed to. I seem to see them being flung around more like poo than the athletic tools they are. I don't know why, but I believe that the rest of the competitors would become the butt of these hairy primates' violent behavior. An albatross with a javelin might be more akin to a skydiver with lawn darts… dangerous and … scary. Gives a new meaning to spear fishing though, doesn't it?

I wonder if the animals participating would be anything like cartoon animals. Would you think that they'd be able to take a hit and keep on rolling, or would they be injured? If they were injured in their events, PETA would have an absolute cow. It seems to me that there are some better animals suited to the events that I named. Hedgehogs would make great shot puts. Snake javelins? Well depending on how long you wanted them to be, you could use varying types of snakes. Might be able to use a boa or python for the pole vault, while a javelin could be a cobra or rattler. In the hurdles, you could use gnu's for the hurdle and warthogs for the runner. Snails could run the mile, and chuckers could run the dash. But I think the best of all would be the turtle. The turtle could easily be the discus, while the ones throwing the discus could be worms.

PETA doesn't seem to have much of an interest in any of the animals I named, so I don't see much of a problem. Personally I think the Wild Kingdom could use this kind or morale boosting action. It lets everyone know that just because they look harmless and little, they are really the powerhouses of the animal world.

Stephen Colbert not new owner of the Chicago Bears

By, Cozmic

Comedian and actor, although more known as “conservative” political pundit, the multiple Emmy-award winning Stephen Colbert, seems to have found something new to do rather than wait for the 2012 presidential elections. The 45-year old seems to want to buy a major sports team, which shows due to his recent bid to buy the Chicago Bears, with the express intent of renaming the team the Chicago Budgies, because he just really does not like bears. However, what with Forbes noting the Bears franchise as being worth 1.1 billion dollars, the Bears being something of a family thing for the McCaskey's, Colbert's offer to buy the bars fell awfully short. This might be because all Colbert really offered was a way to make the Chicago sports team associated with something besides the number one threat to the nation and tickets to the Colbert Report for a year. While Colbert thought this was a pretty great deal in these trying economic times, saying that if you had tickets to a show then you had something to do besides be home reading (“That's how bad things have gotten, Americans are reading!”), Virginia McCaskey disagreed.
Colbert then issued a statement about the purchase, saying that this was a great deal since soon enough the dollar will drop enough that a billion dollars will be about as valuable as the peso or what the liberal media thinks, and that most likely the Chicago Bears have been infiltrated by sinister Ursine overlords, which Colbert told the press he will do his best to put a stop to, using whatever sports team will go for his offer, be it football or otherwise.
When RPNN asked Stephen Colbert just why he has suddenly decided to go into sports, he told us that more Americans seem interested in their favorite sports team than voting, something that he wished to change by making sports fans aware of what to think without rational arguments or facts filtering it down to something different from Colbert's views.
It just might be he is trying to plant a very strange seed for another run at becoming El Presidente, something that just might pay off in 2012 assuming he buys one of the successful teams that people actually listen to. In other words, stay clear of the losing teams that seem completely unable to play or win anything.
And Mr. Colbert might want to up the bid on his next attempt, as the Comedy Central show might be popular, but a major sports team probably more so. In other words, aim for 2 years, Stephen, we know you can do it!


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