Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 8/20/09

Gamers disagree on what game is actually Olympic-sport worthy
By Cozmic

Formerly, they used to be thought of as a pointless waste of time for nerds and shut-ins who never had friends and always got beaten up by the jocks who played real sports, but events like EVO and world championships in the most popular games have proven that competitive gaming can stretch out beyond the living room, at least.
With this in mind, the gaming community quickly decided to try and get gaming into the Olympics, and now that the goal is almost remotely not impossible, it seems rampant fanboyism will again wreck everything, as is customary in these situations.

So there are three major factions: the Halo fanboys, the Counter-Strike people who finally decided to show up in the light, with a fairly large amount of hissing and cries of “I'm meeeeltiiing!”, and the Koreans. Arguments between the three are extremely fierce, with the CS players saying Halo is stupid because it is on console, the Halo players saying Starcraft is a clickfest for 14-year old Korean kids, and the Korean kids simply going “kekekekeke!” and pointing out they seem to have the most support for their game, what with Starcraft already being the national sport of Korea and all.

In an effort to get more rational responses of the three games, we tried to interview the developers behind these games, something that proved rather impossible. Blizzard was far too busy swimming in money gained from World of Warcraft to talk to us, Bungie thought we wanted to discuss Halo: Reach and so sent the robot-dogs after us, and when we finally did manage to talk to Valve and Gabe Newell, he simply shouted “PS3 sucks!” and then proceeded to eat the cameraman. I barely escaped that place alive, only managing to fend Newell off with a handy crowbar long enough to get the helicopter to come rescue me. On a sidenote, if anyone ever wondered who the Boomer from Left 4 Dead was designed after, now you know.

With all the arguments going on, most people are forgetting that even getting a single game into the winter or summer Olympics would be amazing, not to mention incredibly weird, and also that the one true game to be played at something like that would be old school Quake, the master of the multiplayer community, although this community seems to be busy doing other stuff.

Meanwhile, smaller groups are hoping to see the likes of Justin Wong facing Daigo Umehara in Street Fighter games again, on TV as opposed to a laggy webstream, something fans of just about any beat ém up can find themselves supporting, but this group still fades in comparison to FPSes and clickfest-genre-from-the-mid-90's fans, despite being one of the most perfect ways to demonstrate someone's utter skill and mastery of games.

It remains increasingly unlikely that games will become a part of the Olympic games, other than as sucky tie-ins, but gamers will continue to fight, just not on a unified front because this time someone is not blaming them for a school shooting.

UFC Klondike Bar Broadcast

By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update)

Ultimate Fighting Champion competitor Brick Hittum shaved every hair off his body, eyebrows included, painted himself purple, wore zebra stripped pants and a yellow and green polka dot waistcoat, proposed to a walrus, married a cow named Barry, punched Ellen DeGeneres in the mouth while singing “Funky Town”, ate one dozen chicken mcnuggets, drank crude oil while driving backwards along the I-98 and was nearly committed to an insane asylum until he admitted his reason for doing all this: to gain a Klondike bar.
Klondike Bar officials reported they had no idea the man wanted one of their candy treats so badly and gave him one for free, saying he did more than enough to earn one.


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