Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 8/6/09

Projectiles fly from the Stands!
By Puns McKenna

Recently the Ames Soccer club of Ames, Iowa and the Ankeny Soccer Club from Ankeny, Iowa played a unique game of soccer. It began like any other soccer game does, and progressed smoothly enough. The natural rivalry between the players and the competitive spirit rose and fell like the waves of an ocean. Then at halftime a strange transformation came over the assemblage of spectators.

The players who had been working hard through the first half and were tired when they went grumbling into the locker rooms to cool off. Neither team had scored a point yet, and all were frustrated. Out in the stands, the spectators were restless and many of them were frustrated. Their agitation grew through the halftime display, and when the players returned to the field the air was rife with their irritation.

Play progressed, much the same as before halftime, until something hard and heavy beaned the captain of the Ames Soccer Club in the middle of his back. As the captain of the team landed face first in the grass his teammates stopped and began to look around. The referee found a large soggy Nerf ball lying on the field. Consulting with other officials took only moments and a microphone was brought onto the field while the medical teams saw to the injured player.

A general call was made to the audience to find out who had thrown the ball. It was then that the air was filled with all manner of projectiles. According to one eyewitness, the projectiles weren't all as non-threatening as the Nerf ball. There were lawn darts being thrown, rocks, Nerf balls, Cell phones, even false teeth were later found on the playing field as it was cleared.

According to research, this wasn't the first such incident. All over America it seems that spectators are taking out their game frustrations on sports teams. There have been projectiles thrown at players of football games…baseball games… and even swimming tournaments. The puzzling thing is what is causing Americans to become so violent when they have not done so before.

Sure there have been brawls and incidents of spectators throwing cups onto the playing field, but this is out of hand. It's like an, Extreme Sports: Spectators Edition. You wouldn't believe some of the items that have been recovered! Aside from lawn darts, false teeth, cell phones, and rocks, there've been squeegees…newspaper wrapped bricks… rotten vegetables… poison pen letters with arrows stuck through them… a pair of jeans with catsup stains all over them… sports equipment… Donald Duck… Ice cream and all other manners of foodstuff.

This is more than just spectators arguing a bad call or trying to educate the players how to play the game as we've seen in the past. One has to wonder just what might be the root cause for this turn of events, but as of right now, no one can really say for sure just what that is.

Michale Vick Returns Broadcast

By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update)

Once former pro footballer and dog fighting enthusiast Michael Vick has been allowed back into the sport that once disowned him for his brutally violent interests.
The football sport, not the dog sport, has let him back in.
Vicks has promised that from now on, all the blood and violence, the mayhem, biting, the sinking of teeth into hindquarters, the butt sniffing, bloodletting, savage competition in his life will take place on the football field.
This soft announcement has caused some concern that Vick’s has lost his competitive edge, that prison has done nothing more than turn him into a creampuff.
Denying this Vick’s has sworn maim the next opponent he sees, using a method that was certainly not picked up in dog fighting.
Vicks has further sworn that from now on dogs were for hugging, petting, eating and occasionally being fired out of a cannon to defend one’s home, as allowed under Texas law.


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