Past Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 7/20/09
Cannuck Slam 2009
By Puns McKenna
Cannuck…Hoser…Maple Leaf… These are all slurs that we're familiar with, right? Everyone knows that we're talking about Canadians? Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, there's more moose and squirrel droppings coming our way.
Canadians have discovered a way to use psychological warfare to their advantage. Their chosen battlefields are of course, the hockey rink, basketball courts, and baseball diamonds. Surprising venues to wage war, aren't they? Well, it could be worse. Our French Canadian brothers from the north have decided to use our own taunts against us.
So now in hockey games, you'll hear the Cannucks calling us hoser and county mounty and the like. They're not bothered by our slurs anymore, and this could pose a problem. Other slurs will naturally come up through the course of time, however, we might see increased fighting and petty arguments started by: "My mama's better than your mama, hoser!" comments.
How about on the baseball diamonds? Are we going to see more bats thrown… more rumbles under the lights? I can hear the umpires now. "You're outta here! And take Tomorrow, When, Who, What, and I-Don't-Know with you. Because can stay and finish out the game!" Sounds like a late 1930's early 1940's radio skit, doesn't it? Not a very humorous thing though, if you ask me.
From the sounds of it, the American teams are going to have to learn how to psyche out the Canadians a whole different way. But what kinds of things can we use to talk down to the Canadians? It would seem that they're a heck of a lot smarter than we give them credit for. I mean if they can figure out how to use the slurs we sling at them against us, how long will it take for them to learn how to defeat all of our trash talk?
On the upside they could be admitting to several questionable things by using our slurs against them. It could be quite an education for us. Not that I'm saying we don't already know several things, but it could prove interesting. Imagine how many more games the Canadians might win against us? This could be very bad for our image. Heck, that's nothing to us though, is it? We've got a stiff upper lip, another cheek for them to hit, rock hard abs and pecks… We can take anything they can throw at us, right? Sure we can.
We're just a bunch of rock bound Yankee dogs… Tall Texans…Surfer dudes… and Wild Turkey's, right? See.. we have our own slurs, slams, and such that they could exploit. So, before we go out there calling Canadian Geese out because they weren't offended by our slams, we should think about just how much cannon fodder they could bring to the battlefield. Personally, I'd like to keep sports clean.
Helium Wrestling Broadcast
By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update)
The world of professional wrestling has been rocked to it’s outer layer today when it was revealed that several wrestlers in the women’s division were in fact men.
When asked how such sexy, alluring, scantily clad individuals could possibly be men officials revealed that it was due to helium.
Helium increased the pitch of these men’s voices to allow them to pass as women.
Helium. Made it possible for men to masquerade as slender, buxom, attractive, striking, tempting, glamorous women.
Wrestling fans have been separated into three groups. First are those who are still physically capable because they are living in denial. Second are those who have accepted reality and still see these men as lovely, charming, female objects. Third are those who have had the reasonable response of going completely bonkers, have torn out their hair and started seeing Sarah Palin as a viable presidential candidate.
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