Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 6/6/09

Unilever declares suntan-lotion unmanly, MANTAN the new thing!
By Cozmic
Unilever, the company behind Axe grooming products, have finally paid attention to athletes who complain about lotion being all icky and unmanly and yet are forced to wear it when competing in outdoor sports to avoid massive sunburns.
Yes, a lot of athlete's simply dislike putting on sunblock, the lotion form of it making them feel like itty-bitty little women, and of course, we can't have that when there's money to be made, now can we? This was the line of thinking Unilever followed upon, trying to make a product which kept athletes safe in the sun while also making them feel manlier than Frank Miller's 300.
The result is the MANTAN, a sunblock that also lets you tan, and is nothing at all like a lotion. In fact, the MANTAN (yes, it has to be written in all caps) is more like one of the spray-on deodorants, only for the entire body. Obviously, this means it takes a lot to cover the exposed parts of any athlete, but since each spraycan contains 1000 milliliters, it is still good for quite a few goes.
The point behind the spray is supposedly “to make it feel like you've already worked up a sweat being manly and beating up a bunch of dudes, or doing some heavy lifting, like if you were to singlehandedly build the pyramids in a day, as opposed to being some girlygirl who works on her tan once she's done baking muffins in the kitchen.” Feminist-groups are expected to rage at any second now, something Unilever should be accustomed to after such great commercials as “The Axe effect” and similar, and besides, feminist groups seem to rage at pretty much anything for everything.

All male athletes that tried it seem pretty happy with the test products, however, claiming MANTAN is easy to apply and also feels “sort of nice.” Whether this will mean it can take the market from ordinary sunblock is up for debate, but seems unlikely given the high cost- a single can might go for as much as twenty dollars American, because the advanced techniques of making a spray-on sunblock that also gets you more girls than fame and fortune ever could (one's eventual fortune being spent on more MANTAN, obviously). Exactly how it worked was a total load of technobabble and nobody seems to really care as long as it brings in the women and makes one feel like a true man, the kind that can run up a mountain and then just jump down the few kilometers to the ground while backflipping and being awesome, only to make out with five hot chicks upon hitting the ground. And as long as it manages that, it just might be enough to beat all those sissy lotions.

Jockey Boxing broadcast

By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update)

As the economic crisis continues to make sock monkeys of us all the sporting world is beginning to make noticeable cutbacks. Not everyone has suffered though there are some interesting career changes ahead.
Recently almost 200 jockeys were fired from their positions and their horses were converted into jet engines to shore up the airline industry. The jockeys themselves will be retrained as boxers.
When one established boxing trainer dared to speak out about how the jockeys couldn’t reach up high enough to hit a normal boxer above the belt all boxers were fired to be replaced entirely with jockeys.
This move is viewed as enormously economical as the smaller jockeys require less food, smaller clothing and indeed a smaller ring to operate in. Concern has been raised as to the welfare of the boxers, however it is expected that most of them will find work as parts of aircraft landing gear, mostly in structure, some as tires.


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