Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 5/28/09

Home runs make other sports jealous
By Cozmic
Who here has not obsessed with joy over that one great home run they hit, or wished to make one? Which sports fan has not stood screaming with joy over that perfect swing? Well, other sports have had it, apparently.
Soccer star David Beckham was the first to complain about just how much attention is given to home runs, claiming “I actually have to move my feet before I kick the ball in, I mean, Jesus, do you know how excruciatingly difficult that is!?” Jesus replied that he had a vague idea, seeing as how he walked around Jerusalem in sandals, far less comfortable than those new flashy shoes with padded soles and everything, and those cars that let you go places really fast without walking.
But despite being a complete wimp, it seems Beckham might have a point. Following the Los Angeles Galaxy players whining, other sports have made similar outcries, all of which basically add up to “Oh look at me!” although sounding at least a bit more mature, meaning those expensive PR-agents are now paying off.
An NFL-player, who wished to remain anonymous, asked “how many people care how many touchdowns I score in a game? I scored four touchdowns in a single game, dammit! Heck, my wife could hit a home run, but it takes true skill to make four touchdowns in a single game!” adding weight to more famous people's outcries.
The biggest outrage since Beckham's whining is, rather understandably, coming from the NBA-players. After all, here are a group of people who score dozens and dozens and dozens of points every game, and every dunk is a rather spectacular feat, but the crowd now seems to be bored with it, while still cheering something fierce whenever someone swings a bat at a ball really hard, and gets that perfect hit which just sails into the crowd, like an angel doing a splash into the willing sea of fans, proof that steroids do help make you into a hulking brute and just because you are getting a bit older that does not mean you are at the end of your career, but rather that you are still that glorious athlete who spits out chew tobacco whenever he steps up to the plate, the same way you always did.
However, why should baseball not be different from other sports? It is an ancient sport, it is the national pastime, and it is always really exciting to see a hulked out brute hit a small bit of leather into orbit, except when another hulked out brute manages to catch said small piece of leather, or the game gets canceled because of rain. By comparison, other sports which only contain frighteningly tall people slamming a ball through a ring up in the air or muscular toothless guys hitting a flat thing into a net while wearing tons of padding because they keep slamming into each other due to being on skates on ice and then they always end up settling arguments with fisticuffs, or that one sport with the guys who just sort of walk around all the time, occasionally kicking a ball between them, and then maybe running a bit, well, all of those sports simply always seem so boring, so maybe they should simply accept that baseball will always be way more exciting and then try and join the league or something?
According to an NBA spokesperson, “because it is way more awesome to jump high and throw a ball than jump high and catch one!”
In related news, the Major League is now suing the NBA for defamation.
Ape Wrestling broadcast

By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update)

It was announced by wrestling officials today that in a special extravaganza professional wrestling would permit primates in the square ring.
Insiders claim that as the plots of wrestling shows become increasingly convoluted and bear greater resemblance to sweaty daytime soap operas owners and writers are struggling to come up with new and interesting ideas.
In a move harkening back to the 80s the writers have turned to cheap gimmicks.
Already auditions are underway to find gorillas, chimps and orang-utans capable of facing men in the wrestling ring, and also capable of not ripping of said men’s heads and gnawing on the juicy, juicy brains inside.
Animal rights organisations have naturally begun protesting, claiming that most of these apes will be unsuitable for the ring, and that the vast majority will have their movie careers curtailed, limiting them to the sorts of movies The Rock presently finds himself in, when most should be capable of at least a low Seth Green with a side of Sauerkraut.


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