Past Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 5/20/09
Rumble in the Arctic Profile IV: Hans “The Mad Frenchman” Gruber
By Grey Sports (Continued from ep. X)
This week our profile on the who’s who of the race to win the Arctic for their chosen nation focuses on a Canadian entrant who is grabbing headlines. Literally.
No, literally literally.
As in he keeps grabbing newspapers by their headlines and leaving a mess everywhere.
Determined to win the race, we think, for Canada, we guess Is Hans “The Mad Frenchman” Greuber, a 26 year old something or other.
With a long history of races, adventures on ice and roaming the globe Hans in many respects seems to be the perfect entrant, the kind of guy who could win this race with a combination of skill and cunning mated to experience.
And it would be true, if anyone wanted him to enter.
He represents Canada because he declared this as his intention and no one in Canada wants to risk whatever his reaction would be to refusing.
Hans picked up the moniker “The Mad Frenchman” because despite being a first generation Canadian of German descent when it was announced he would be getting a nickname Canada and Germany both bagsed notsies, quickly followed by every other nation in the world except for France in what is widely considered a conspiracy to leave the poor nation as the implied home of a man who’s name coincides with a Die Hard film villain so much that he has shaven his head bald in an attempt to look more like Alan Rickman despite the fact that Rickman has never appeared bald, does not sport a monobrow or speak in cockney rhyming slang.
Alan Rickman is very thankful, France is considering surrendering to Botswana in exchange for a name change.
Hans more than lives up to his nickname. He is currently on to his fifth proposed plan for winning this race: Rocket Pants.
This sounds far more impressive and crazy than it really is, Hans has no rocketry experience to speak of and is somewhat afraid of fireworks and loud noises in general. To that end he has donned a pair of earplugs and simply painted rockets and flames on a pair of second hand jeans.
It should be noted that while this is his fifth proposed plan he has stated a preference for his third plan: hanggliding all the way to the arctic, a method considered reckless enough to work.
Just to clear the air, plan one involved saddling seahorses (dropped because of the rising cost of leather), plan two walk the other way and make everyone else think they’re going in the wrong direction and then doubleback when they’re all too far along, and plan four was to hitch a ride with someone going in the right direction.
This entrant has one very important thing working for him and that is his disturbing nature which may well scare off other competitors.
Already the US, France and Belgium are having second thoughts about entering the race. Canada is trying to opt out but since Hans is competing for them they are kind of locked in.
Toughest sport broadcast
By, Grey Action (As featured in the RPP Video Update)
Tragedy struck at a recent contest to prove which sport held the toughest, strongest, most resilient athletes today.
A recent meeting of a billionaires club let to a billionaire’s style throwdown between owners of various sporting teams.
Three basketball team owners, a US football team owner, seven hockey team owners of assorted nationalities and an Italian soccer team owner got all hot and bothered and are now out to prove who’s sport produces the strongest men.
No one wants to do this with women ever since a woman’s softball team player recently glared at cliff resulting in a new tunnel.
A running race proved inconclusive, throwing handicapped the soccer players, kicking was blatantly unfair to the basketballers and the hockey players had a devastating advantage in one on one bare knuckle street fighting.
All the same disaster did not strike until someone decided that headbutting walls would be the determining factor.
All went well until an American quarterback attempted to headbutt a wall using the power of his neck, only to discover he had no neck.
Indeed no quarterback had a neck causing a massive medical emergency that has tied up two hospitals. Current medical opinion is that without necks these men should not be alive.
Meanwhile American football has officially lost the contest due to the amount of crying and calls for mothers coming from the quarterbacks.
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