Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 5/5/09

Hockey player movies to boost the public's confidence
By Cozmic
In the midst of the Ice Hockey World Championship and an enduring financial difficulty, people still do not give two cents about hockey, but are more than willing to watch Hollywood throw money out the window in an attempt to recreate the success of movies like Space Jam, although it is far more likely they will end up doing stuff like Kazaam or Double Team (notice how putting basketball stars in movies was also a horrible idea?). The entire idea is rather preposterous, obviously, no good can come of this, but fortunately people are more than willing to laugh at these sort of things as long as nobody requires that they pay. The up-side of this is that people will be far more happy, knowing at least they never made something so stupid as direct a sequel to “Sudden Death”, only now Jean-Claude Van Damme works alongside Russian starplayer Ilya Kovalchuk to save the vice-president from the terrorists.
Other projects slated for absolute terror are “Foppa”, about a poor Swedish immigrant who struggles through the farming league forever until he is finally given a chance to lead Colorado Avalanche to victory and the Stanley Cup, starring Peter Forsberg returning to Colorado as well as the rest of the Avalanche, and a sure-to-be-terrible sequel to “D3: The Mighty Ducks”, starring the actual Anaheim Ducks winning the Stanley Cup yet again, coached by Joshua Jackson and that fat kid who was the goalie in the previous movies, in an attempt to create some semblance of horrible, horrible continuity.
But at least these movies have something to do with actual hockey, unlike the upcoming college-comedy “Those Crazy Russians” starring NHL super stars Evgeni Malkin and Alex Ovechkin as two screwy foreign exchange-students who must teach their dorm to study hard, party hard, and speak Russian while finding true love and maintaining their friendship. Both the Russian hockey players have said they did it mainly for the millions of dollars, and also for the laughs, although the audience is more likely to laugh at people for making these things, or perhaps the people seeing them, than any jokes the script might include.
That Hollywood dares venture into such rocky, and most of all stupid, ground is believed to be a diversionary tactic by some, an attempt to fool people that the economic crisis really never was and that everything is fine. Others claim that it is simply a way to give us more things to worry about than losing our jobs, such as being forced to see these people try to act, rather than shoot pucks really hard and bodytackle and crosscheck people, not to mention slam fists into each other. Either way, it just might work at making people feel more confident, although perhaps not at raking in the cash.


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