Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 4/27/09

John Madden retires leaving the digital highlighter to....
By Puns McKenna
Ö his replacement. After 30 years there will be a new pedant explaining each and every play to you. Do you all remember those plays that you missed because Madden was writing all over the screen? Well, now we have this new eager young beaver that is raring to write all over our screens.

Cris Collinsworth seems to be an excellent replacement, but I wonder. I donít wonder about his ability, Iím sure heíll be good. However, he seems to have this thing about dried corn. Most people wouldnít think it so odd if he was using the corn for decoration or crafts, but the weird thing is, heís not. He seems to be eating the corn. He seems to have an unorthodox way of holding the digital highlighter as well. He holds it between his toes. How bizarre is that?

Oh well, it doesnít seem to inhibit his ability to stand in Johnís shoes, however. Heís reporting the season very well so far. Wait, what? You mean it isnít the football season right now? So whatís he doing reporting it now? Maybe what heís trying to do is get a jump on the season. Perhaps what he needs is practice writing on the digital board. Or maybe nobody told him that the football season doesnít start until something like August.

Lets look at just what it is heíll have to do to fill Johnís considerably shoes, shall we? First, he has to recreate that sonorous droning voice. A difficult proposition if you consider the occasional squawk he lets loose. And of course, he has to learn how to write clearly enough that we can understand the scribbles heís constantly using to cover up the next play. Iím not sure that it really requires practice to be that annoying, but I could always be wrong.

The other thing heíll have to do is become an aficionado on football. Truthfully, he doesnít have the same amount of time in the industry, but heís a pretty good actor isnít he? Hey, wait a minute! Are those feathers that I see under his neck? Yes, I said neck, because it looks like his head is coming off and revealing aÖ chicken! OMG, Maddenís replacement is a chicken! Chicken Boo!

I fully expected a gimmick when Madden retired, but not something like this. An animated chicken from the Animaniacs was not what I was expecting.


 Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2009© Menu Bar by Albatross