Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 3/16/09

NBA's very own four horsemen to be decided
By Cozmic
Despite claims that the “doomsday scenario” of the NBA is never going to happen by commissioner David Stern, especially now that basketball teams get reinforced by $200 million, people are still skeptical. This is partially because players might have to accept something so horrific as paycuts because the economy is still a wreck, and probably to a great deal because Interdimensional Doomsday Incorporated Enterprises (IDIE), the company that owns the production rights to such events as Ragnarök®, Armageddon®, the Apocalypse® and Judgement Day®, recently announced that they are searching for the four horsemen of the NBApocalypse®. The four horsemen are meant to be spinoffs of the classic ones, Death, Plague, Famine, and War, and are known as Injury, Steroid, Greed and Foul, and will be chosen in a rather peculiar and specific way for each horseman.
Steroid is of course the horseman of steroids and illegal performance enhancers, and common logic dictates he would then, probably, be a baseball star, rather than a basketball player, but IDIE has said they will try to stick to the basketball league as much as possible. Steroid will simply be the player with the best control over steroids, the most habit of using them, and the fastest and most efficient way of getting people to use steroids. According to “ancient” mythology, Steroid will cause everyone within twenty feet to reach for their stash. Exactly how IDIE plan to gather this data is unknown, since drugs are hard to find, especially when you are only looking for the ones who will never get caught, but this is the same organization that taught Shiva how to dance, so they are used to difficult things.
Greed, in these trying economic times, is perhaps self-explained, and seems to be the strongest player at the moment. Greed, sources say, is to be chosen as the player who manages to get the biggest payraise, completely to the disadvantage of his own team, and also manages to get as many other players as possible to demand more money under the guise of them actually being worth it.
Foul is the horseman of, well, fouls, and is all about laying the smackdown on people, and hopefully getting away with it, although it is still technically a foul. Foul is of course closely related to Injury, more so than the others, although both greed and steroids will lead to the inevitable “hurt” or possibly a foul.
Injury, then, is universally regarded as the most powerful, capable of decimating entire careers in a single stroke, and everyone is bound to meet him sooner or later, no matter how. Injury is the horseman of pain and whining, and nobody knows for sure how he is chosen, as IDIE refuses to tell anyone. If he is chosen for whoever gets the most injuries and whines about them for eternity, and anyone was eligible, my money would be on a professional football player, but honestly, only the good folks at IDIE knows.

Nobody knows for certain whether the NBApocalypse is in fact going to occur soon or not, but it seems that whenever it does, IDIE has the plans ready to allow Injury, Greed, Steroid and Foul to take the field, pass the NBA and slamdunk it straight into oblivion.


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