Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 3/9/09

A Car Salesman’s Dream
By Puns McKenna
This morning I woke up with a bright idea. It was shining over my head like a great big yellow light bulb. I got up drank my morning coffee and contemplated this idea, and now I think it’s concrete. I’m pretty sure at least, but don’t quote me on it… not yet anyway.

Okay, so my bright shining light bulb of an idea was a neato way for the car makers of the world, particularly those in the US, to start selling more cars. Okay, we all know that the economy stinks like a wet skunk, but that doesn’t have to make us all jittery about buying a new car, does it? Of course not! Sure, we’re not making as much money as we used to… sure there aren’t as many jobs because the bright and shiny hope for the white house fell on us like a great fresh cow pie. But never fear - better salesmen are here!

As everyone knows spring is coming, and just what does everyone do in the spring? Simple, they start going out into the wild world and enjoying the warmer weather. What better way to do that than in a new car, right? I mean we all have that old clunker we bought because it was cheaper, but lets look at what we got with that purchase. We got windows that stick when you try to roll them down, air-conditioning that only works when you use the heater, a sun roof that leaks, and that stain on the backseat that looks vaguely like blood, but nobody can be sure.

So what can we do about it? What can we do that will alleviate the upcoming summer driving problems that we only taste a hint of in the spring? Well, we can buy a new car to start with. How can we do that in such a dung heap economy? Well, car manufacturers have already tried to give us incentives by lowering the finance interest rates and setting ridiculous rebates/discounts and the like. So what can be done now?

Well, they could do something sensible like sell their new cars for used car prices, but I think that might put them out of business faster than a hot sidewalk could fry an egg. Nope, they’ll just have to get better sales people, entertain their car buyers more, and start telling the truth about what you get when you buy used.

So let’s see, what are some ways to entertain the car buyers… Well, there’s always car juggling. Crash test demonstrations are always effective too. I mean, afterall, people are looking for safer cars, aren’t they? There’s always a road show, too. It’s simple, you just parade the cars you want to sell all over town like they do for show and shines. You could also do a toy run, too. If people see your brand new cars being used for a good purpose they might be more inclined to take that financial chance.

Of course, there’s always my idea. Let the cars speak for themselves. We all know they can, it’s just that nobody listens to them. Let that little red sportster tell you all about its convertible top and bucket seats. Let that huge sports utility tell you about all the off road fun you can have in it. Cars are like people, they have desires…wants… they have dreams. And let me tell you… if you think that sitting on some cracked pavement lot waiting until they’re as good as any used car, is part of that dream… get real.

There’s another thing. If car sales keep dipping because of all the used cars that are being sold, car companies are going to go out of business. Why don’t we just make all cars out to be the same? We could treat them all as if they were new, or even as if they were used. It doesn’t really matter does it? So long as the company is making enough money to stay afloat, what does it matter if Bozo’s Clownmobile is new or used? So long as it’s the car you want, that’s all that matters.


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