Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 2/13/09

Athletes try and raise money for 2010 Winter Olympics
By Cozmic
With current financial troubles, athletes are hard up for cash to get to the 2010 winter Olympics in Vancouver, especially the ones competing in all the less important sports, like the ones that are not hockey or the important types of skiing.
This has led to athletes employing all sorts of weird moneysaving techniques, like the Norwegian skier Othar Tryggvassen who figured he could save a bunch of cash on just eating noodles, like all the cool college-students do, and then got hit by severe scurvy. However, the stage is set for a great and remarkable comeback at the Winter Olympics in Sochi in 2014, because 2010 is simply not gonna happen.

Other remarkable tactics were exhibited by Swedish figureskater Ingrid Svensson, who is now sentenced to two years imprisonment for multiple accounts of petty theft, because, strangely enough, Ingrid was caught with over 7000 stolen shoelaces. The shoelaces, which Svensson had planned to refine and sell as necklaces to her meager fanbase, were apparently stolen from lockerrooms and in rare cases straight off people's feet, using a coathanger and some mad skills. Unfortunately for Svensson but fortunately for the people who missed their shoelaces when they stepped right out of their shoes onto cold, cold ground, she only “refined” them by tacking on a gummy pacifier and then tried to sell these to passersby, within five minutes of stealing them. Of course, since nobody wants to buy a gummy pacifier attached to a piece of shoelace, all 7000 shoelaces were found stored in a cupboard behind about a weeks worth each of noodles and spaghetti. However, unlike Tryggvassen, Svensson had a freezer half full of other stuff too, all of which will sadly expire while she is incarcerated.

The best or, rather, maddest idea, however, still comes from Norway.
This is an idea that would be cute if it was not completely ridiculous is the Norwegian hockey team(yes, definitely ridiculous that) and their plan to swim to Vancouver, thus getting valuable physical exercise while simultaneously saving money on airline tickets (although they did plan to borrow Ove's boat and drag along with them, thus saving money on gas, and fill it with food). While a good plan in theory, the simple fact of the matter is, swimming across the Atlantic is cold and evil, and that a cucumber contains more water, relatively speaking, than the Atlantic. Besides, it requires a bit too much preparation, and shark cages are expensive. Of course, the Norwegian solution to this is to claim that they would swim in hockey gear, thus being warm and eaten. Clearly the idea has a lot of flaws, but at least they might be able to make it to the 2010 Olympics if they do not die of hypothermia or being eaten by sharks first.


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