Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 1/23/09

Hockeyworld in chaos
By Cozmic
Claimng a knee injury, the Pittsburgh Penguins' captain, Sidney Crosby quickly ruled himself out of a few games. The actual reason for the sidelining is of course much more sinister, as it always is. Hockeyplayers do not suffer a lot of injuries, or rather, they ignore them, unlike soccerplayers, who stub a toe and then realize their career is most likely over, especially since everyone loses all respect when the little wusses start crying right in he middle of the field.
No, the real reason is that, in the game where Crosby was “hurt”, he was really intimidated by Satan, who said he would eat Crosby's soul if Crosby did not leave the ice and unchill in the lockerroom a bit. Crosby, presumably being fond of his soul, had no choice, as Satan is far worse than the entire New Jersey Devils combined. The fateful event, which has caused true terror throughout the hockeyworld, is believed to have taken place in the brief time Corsby retreated to the lockerroom after a hard fall in the first period.
The Washington Capitals Miroslav Satan has always denied blood-relation, but now people are not so sure if the man is, in fact, not related to Lucifer/Beelzebub/Big, Red and Scary, seeing as how Crosby leaving the ice was a somewhat important factor in the Capitals beating Washington 6-3.
The hockeyworld is now in tumult, since who wants to play at the risk of their soul, except the atheists who are all pretty sure there is no such thing and that Satan (the ruler of hell, not the hockeyplayer) does not exist, and that whole thing with the fireball was really just another good trick, and they have all done that bit in the past.
Satan, the hockeyplayer, has not yet been reached for comment, and rumours speculate he is going through a heavy personal crisis at the moment.
The question everyone is asking themselves is why this is revealed now? Miroslav Satan's career has been going for well over a decade. Has the Beast's involvement simply been hidden until now, or has the stakes in the NHL suddenly grown even higher?
The first can with almost full certainty be ruled out. Satan is recognized as a player of skill, that much is sure, and whether this is demonic or not is somewhat a moot point, as it is probably bred into him, and, well, most good hockeyplayers have the gense to be good hockeyplayers. Most might not have genes for horns and a tail, but then again, green eyes are also considered a bit of an oddity, so who are we to judge?
More likely, then, is the theory that that Fallen Angel thing and that other guy, traditionally known as God, have decided to do some friendly betting over who wins Lord Stanley's Cup, and the Devil applies the ancient idiom of “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.”
God, or his spokesperson Jesus, have yet to comment on the events, and it is believed they will keep their mouths shut on the entire affair.


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