Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 12/27/08

Sport Stars to be replaced by celebrity animals
By Cozmic

Due to the economy still being in the lower end of “total suck”, sports teams are losing money. Losing money fast, like “investing in a John Romero game” fast, or “joining the Scientologists” fast, even. To get to the point, most sports teams are, as usual, screwed, as fans no longer show up at games, because they don't have any money, meaning companies don't get any money, meaning they can't pay their stars, meaning they're replacing them with things like Shamu, although perhaps the Orlando Magic should have realized that killer-whales can't dunk. Obviously, Tinkerbell, Paris Hilton's poor dog which is probably rather innocent and as such has done nothing but have a terrible owner, is rather lousy at football, because these are not things they are supposed to be doing!
Neither are big name sports stars supposed to clean toilets for a living, having obviously ignored any education in favour of being all famous and popular, or at least, I suppose that they do not, but perhaps it would have been a good idea to have a backup plan and not end up selling women's shoes, while a monkey who was in a movie once, and movies with a monkey as a lead character generally suck as a rule, is taking all your money, and you know that really, if only your ego was just a little bit smaller and you didn't request millions upon millions for putting on a jersey and some sneakers and running around a bit, things would be quite different, but nope, you deserve all those millions, right?
However, despite the whole situation being a giant tragedy and farce of sport once again, owners still seem to think this is a great idea, especially the ones who watched those stupid movies about basketball playing dogs and figured an orca could do an even better job. So far, the only complaint the owners have had is that zombie Mr. Ed requires about as much money as Kobe Bryant, and manages to be really annoying to negotiate with to boot.
The Chicago Bears have already managed to notice that a giant gorilla, the quasi-famous Binti Jua, who knows sign language, can run with a ball about as well as everyone else on a field, and communicate even better, and still only requires a crate of bananas for every practice and game. The Bears might even have a chance to win something next season, provided they do not replace the gorilla with an actual player, or he gets tripped up by some famous caterpillar or whatever.
As has been said: total farce!


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