Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 10/12/08

Pittsburgh Penguins to use actual penguins
By Cozmic

In an effort to improve the Pittsburgh sports team in that one sport that really matters as all others are either too slow, too complex, or just plain lame beyond comprehension, except the ones that are related somewhat to hockey, the owners of the Pittsburgh Penguins have decided to replace the Penguins with actual penguins, as in those things that live by the south pole and generally are the most awesome creatures ever. There might also be a lot of potential profit to be made, as people want to see penguins play hockey, and penguins do not claim millions upon millions for each game they play, which could be an incredibly good thing to take advantage of at the next players strike, scheduled for sometime between getting annoyed and greedy, and not playing hockey.
Tryouts so far have shown some good points, and some bad points. For instance, penguins are automatically awesome at skating and everything, but most known protective gear impairs this inherent skill, and even makes it hard for them to slide on their stomachs and shoot the puck. Management has suggested making new gear specifically for penguins, as without it they simply cannot handle a tackle from a 250-pound Russian on a pair of skates holding a stick. The penguins themselves mostly shun such equipment, preferring to simply glide with natural grace past everyone attempting to check them, mock the loser a bit and then score a goal, while defensive play usually consists of stealing the puck first, and then scoring.
The other bad point is that most penguins do not properly grasp the concept of team play, or other crucial things like goaltending. They usually act like Brazilian soccer stars and all go gallivanting off after the puck as soon as possible, even the poor one who has to carry a club about 5 times his size who is supposed to basically stand by the net and look awesome, and hey, he gets to catch the puck too. Scoring is also tricky, as “their goal” and “our goal” are concepts not yet grasped.
Of course, the biggest problem comes from the fact that not a single of the currently playing penguins is born in the United States, making many people think it ruins the “America” in the sport, despite the fact that 90% or so of all good hockey players are born outside the US. However, that does not seem to factor in the equation for these people, much like how the fact all nominees for the MTV European Music Awards Best Act Ever award are seriously under qualified, with the possible exception of Green Day or U2, or the man who has to win if there is any justice in the world, Rick Astley, who is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, who simply wants an excuse to whine and rant and tote how their nation is so much better, for some obscure reason, much like how some writers always claim Sweden to be great because of an Olympic gold in hockey. Bastards, they ruin a great sport.


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