Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 8/10/08

Olympic Update:

Chinese food vendors labeled as terrorists
By Cozmic

In another “well, that was weird” moment, the government of China has now added extreme food vendors to the list of terrorist threats. While this might seem unusual, people should keep in mind that China's lot of terrorists also include Falun Gong practitioners, meaning those scary evil terrorists that do that weird movement thing for spiritual peace and do not really harm anyone, and as such, pretty much never made sense anyway. At least the food vendors can be seen as somewhat terrible, seeing as they all serve incessantly spicy food, causing a heap of flatulence, which potentially poisons athletes and crowds alike. It does taste really, really good though, meaning a lot of officers easily get bribed from arresting the vendors by a spicy eggroll, some good wok or even the occasional taco to cater to the tourists there exclusively for the Olympic Games.
However, there is no cracking down on the elite Chinese SWAT teams, rolling around on their Segways and happily gunning down everyone holding something delicious, and asking questions later, while eating bland food that will not harm anyone, ever (unlike the giant sniper rifle they for some reason roll around on a Segway with).
Food vendors themselves, when found after hiding around the Olympic areas, claim that they never intended to condone terrorism, although the results are “quite frankly hilarious.” There is no denying seeing everyone double over at the starting blocks because someone cut one is hilarious, really. Everyone who was going o be anywhere near the torch was expressively forbidden to eat anything at all during the entire day, a measure some consider to have been just as over-exaggerated as the terrorist label, but in a post-9/11 world, terrorist threats are everywhere, and accusations about terrorism and rationalizations of “keeping the public safe” are used to justify pretty much anything anyway. China also has the even easier part where people will hardly be able to believe they are free, and so they might as well keep them as safe as possible, because there is not a whole lot less freedom, relatively speaking, when you cannot buy spicy food.
And who does not want to be safe from the terrorist threat anyway?


 Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2008© Menu Bar by Albatross