Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 7/16/08

Barry Bonds jailed for grand theft time traveling auto
By Cozmic (Mighty Morphine-Powered Ranger)

Famous Major League Baseball outfielder Barry Bonds was arrested yesterday, when police found the athlete driving a DeLorean DMC-12 not registered to Bonds, upon suspicion of grand theft auto. Aside from the obvious style apparent in a DeLorean, the reason Bonds stole the vehicle seems to be because of the apparatus attached to the vehicle, which once it hits 88 miles per hour, transports the vehicle through time. In the vehicle was also found a large amount of empty boxes labeled “magic happy-strength candy”, also known as steroids. Once interrogation started and Bonds lawyer commented “seriously, you're so screwed this time, I mean, honestly, think next time, won't you?”, Bonds admitted he went back in time to juice up some good old famous athletes, going as far back in time as to ancient Greece. This has led to many quick speculations that if time is in fact not wholly linear and is instead predetermined, meaning Bonds was supposed to go back in time, that perhaps Hercules was not the son of Zeus, but in fact just had access to some really good performance enhancers, and perhaps Sparta simply had a visit from Bonds before the battle for Thermopylae, and tactics had nothing to do with it. A lot of people are skeptic to this, since we know just about nothing about time-travel and earlier experiments by Doctor Emmet Brown and the then young Marty McFly indicate that everything does in fact have a cause and effect. Of course, the same would also seem to hold true that if Bonds went back in time and drugged up his father, of which no evidence has so far been found, we would never find out about it, since the drug-check was not nearly as advanced back in the 70's, and thus, Bobby Bonds would end up looking all the more impressive, and Barry could then claim he was simply born with ridiculously good genes, rather than having a body shot full of human growth hormones. All of this is of course speculation, Bonds refused to say much more after his lawyer had let out a loud and very dramatic sigh during questioning, but it does make sense, Perhaps Bonds thought this through more than one first suspected, or perhaps it just seemed like a fun thing to do, kind of like using a time traveling phone booth in order to win a Battle of the Bands, and ate a few kids in the process.
No matter how bizarre the situation might be, Barry Bonds now faces even more serious charges. Already in trouble for perjury and obstruction of justice for lying in the whole BALCO scandal, adding grand theft auto to the list is enough to make Bonds seem like a hardened criminal, not to mention that he might well have done irrevocable damage to the timeline, although as has been noted, that last part is technically not illegal and nobody really has a good idea how to check if the timeline has been damaged anyway.
One thing that we can check, however, is how much trouble Barry Bonds is now in, and the signs seem to point to very.


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