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| Past Sports from the past week. Past sports article for the week of 6/24/08 Rumble in the Arctic: Damn Bears By Grey Sports (Continued from ep. 6) Disaster has struck the Arctic Ownership Race (the name the result of the latest rebranding), a trial run of the proposed race routes to be used by several teams was ambushed this week, putting in doubt the entire event. Icelandic, Russian and Australian teams were running trial routes to ensure stability, feasibility and possibly get a leg up on all the rest with some free experience when they were brutally attacked by packs of polar bears. The fact that the attacks involved multiple polar bears, notable for their solitary nature, and occurred at approximately the same time to all three teams indicates a high degree of premeditation and coordination by the polar bears and represents a concerted effort to derail the race. In all the planning to see who would control the mineral wealth of the Arctic once the ice recedes it appears that no one thought the wildlife would be a factor. “Surely they’ll all be dead by the time we start working up there, so what does it matter to them?” muttered one race organiser. International outrage at the polar bear’s actions has been slow in rising, the fame of Knute and others of the species has powerbrokers concerned that public opinion may turn against the race. So far public opinion has been ignored an hope held out that the massive merchandising and promotion of the race as a sporting event rather than a crass political tool to decide which governments get to tear into pristine wilderness for their own benefit. Commentators observe that it may be a splinter faction of the polar bears orchestrating the attack. The World Court in Brussels and the UN in New York are still receiving polar bear envoys and lawyers, who are using every legal and political means at their disposal to prevent the race and the further destruction of their habitat. A fracturing in the polar bear ranks could be disastrous. Normally methodical creatures when their anger is roused they are unstoppable, however up until now they have relied on cuteness to win the public to their cause and no one is pretty when they’re angry. Furthermore the bear’s case relies on looking like the injured party, going out and mauling competitors is not going to win them points in anyone’s book. With the swift labelling of these attacks as terrorist events George W. Bush, looking for any new source of fuel oil and some way to go down in the history books that doesn’t involve the phrase “worst”, “president”, “marshmallow” or “ever” has sworn that if necessary he will “. . . nuke them from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.” This prompted a round of questions about what resources there are in orbit with which to nuke anyone with. In the meantime race organisers are trying to win the polar bears over, though their current tactic of moving all of them to sunny pacific islands (because who doesn’t like sunny pacific islands) isn’t working on the basis that those will disappear before the arctic habitat. Those bears are tough negotiators. |
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