Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 5/29/08

Kennedy Proves Stardust Theory!
By, Puns McKenna

Edward M. “Ted” Kennedy has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor after a seizure on the family compound in Hyannis Port over the weekend. The masses are saddened. Members of his own party, have sent flowers and condolences. The sympathy keeps pouring in for the senator and his family is like a wellspring.
But advocates for Kennedy say that the senator is not taking this illness lying down. “Teddy” as he prefers to be called has announced that he wishes to dance with the Metropolitan Ballet before he dies and that he has a wish to dance with the stars.

Easy enough to fill those requests, yes? The ballet is simple, though I doubt he will be any good. That is unless he somehow managed to attend ballet as a kid. Anyhow his request to dance with the stars is a little different than one might immediately think.

No, he isn’t asking to Dance with the Stars on that silly t.v. show designed to make stars feel good about themselves. What he wants to do is dance with an actual star. Apparently he recently watched Neil Gaiman’s movie [i]Stardust[/i] and really…REALLY wants to dance with a real star.

For those of you not familiar with the movie I recommend you watch it. This real star falls to Earth and becomes a woman. Now ole Teddy with his eye always on the ladies has decided that he wants to dance with the best. According to a spokesman for the family, people have been looking into the habits of stars since the movie came out. And they made a most amazing discovery. Stars have dance competitions!

So, he’s been secretly dusting off his twinkly toes and seeking the perfect dance partner. The next dance competition isn’t for another lunar cycle, but no one can tell if he will be here to participate or not, but I for one would love to see the video footage of that one.

Hey! Wait a minute. Does this mean that they’re going to be changing the Dancing with the Stars show up to a stellar ballroom? Wouldn’t that be something? I mean heck, the lead competitor could be Ted Kennedy, and of course we could always see auditions for Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis Presley, and Luke Perry.


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