Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 5/16/08

Sports icons to push up daisies in fancy ways.
By, Cozmic

It appears that being buried in a casket simply is not a good way for most sports icons to spend an eternity pushing up daisies and decomposing. No, apparently they all require special ways to be buried, and not in the “scatter my ashes over the sea” sort of way. The closest to that is Wayne Gretzky who wants his ashes scattered over the ice of a hockey rink, and permanently kept there, admittedly a rather cute and yet disturbing thought, as the “Great One” is in so many ways one of the most important figures in hockey.
No, instead other sports icons want to be buried in the most spectacular ways. For instance, OJ Simpson wants to be buried in a giant version for the glove that got him acquitted, surrounded by a giant football and all of his memorabilia so no one else can take it.
Barry Bonds stands for another one, wanting to be buried in a casket the shape of a pill, presumably to make fun of his whole “human-growth-hormone” thing, or maybe because he just really likes steroids. Bonds could not be reached for a comment, but most guesses were on the latter. Especially since he asked the pill be a real pill so he could actually take it.
A man who is not planning on making fun of a sport he dragged to the dirt (finally!) is Tiger Woods, who instead plans to bury himself in a golf cart filled with golfballs, at a golfcourse to be decided upon later. While the creepiness factor of this is on par with Gretzky, at least they want it to be a show of how much they love the sport, albeit in very odd ways. But at the same time, they are defined in life by the sports they play and the accomplishments they have made, so who are we to say slowly rotting on a field meant for the living is a bad way to chill out forever?
After all, taking a dirt nap is meant to be important, somehow, and as such, you might as well get your final wishes to be totally off the wall and what you really want, although to be perfectly honest, how can you tell and just what is the price of being buried in a giant boxing glove filled with ears like Mike Tyson? Would that money not be better spent on ensuring your relatives can afford the frivolous lifestyle you have gotten them used to, or is that a great enough reason to do all this stuff? Honestly, it very well might be, and besides, spending eternity in a giant hockey puck launched into space like Aleksandr Ovechkin said he would do is just cool.


 Really Pathetic Productions 1997-2008© Menu Bar by Albatross