Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 4/22/08

Swedish athletes become peace-negotiators
By, Cozmic

You didn't really think we'd cover China, did you? That's like, really far away! And besides, Sweden's gonna wuss out on that whole thing anyway, claiming that the war on dust mites and its quick solution is more important. Of course, the simple fact of the matter is, dust mites outnumber us by probably a billion to one or thereabouts (while we outweigh them, largely due to fast food chains and the Coca-Cola company), and are extremely fierce things which are potentially lethal due to the huge amount of people with asthma who might have a problem with them. Studies show that nearly 50% of the people with asthma can have an asthma attack from excessive dust mites, or dust mite corpses, meaning that the war is extremely futile. However, seeing the enormous threat this war causes, the Swedish government have now formed a crack diplomatic team consisting of a bunch of athletes who just barely missed the chance to go to the Olympics, and after all, this threat is way more important than the repression of some Tibetan monks and just about everyone else, right?
RPP managed to contact Swedish minister of Foreign Affairs, Carl Bildt, for a few questions.
-Why athletes, and not, like, diplomats?
-Well, there was a problem with asthma among the diplomats, it is hard to do your work when you are choking to death.
-Ah, gotcha, hinders communications. And the athletes, still?
-Most athletes have an incredible lung-capacity, meaning that even if one of them should, against all odds, realize they were allergic to dust in the midst of negotiations, they should be fine long enough to leave and find help.
The negotiations themselves will be fairly straightforward, both sides meet and discuss terms, such as how dust mites might get what they want and we can have our stuff left alone at the same time, a problem far more difficult to resolve than Iraq (mainly because this one cannot be resolved through thermonuclear means even if we wanted to).
The language barrier was originally planned to be overcome by shrinking the athletes to the size of dust mites, but when looking at the budget, the government balked at it and realized they would have to raise the taxes something fierce, something they will try not to do until 2010, when the other parties will once again gain power and thus decide to raise taxes to build tax-free mansions for themselves. Besides, there were transportation issues.
Instead, the language barrier was overcome by the use of a really weird old man known as the Dust Bunny, a man who has gone into the dustiest places of the world (I once found him under my bed behind the gaming mags) in a bunny suit, only to be so covered in dust that he and the mites now share a symbiotic relationship and can communicate perfectly with one another. And if that isn't scarier than dictators, terrorism and religious fanatics, I don't know what is.


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