Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 3/16/08

Billy Crystal to join the Yankees- forever, well, sort of.
By, Cozmic
Actor Billy Crystal, famous for roles in films such as “When Harry Met Sally” and “Monsters Inc.”, recently signed a contract with the New York Yankees to let him play for one day with the team, or at least that's what he thought. The truth is the contract might span weeks, years or even decades. Not that they would let Crystal play for that long, but merely so they could send him out onto the field whenever they needed the extra money, or possibly as a spare in case the entire team's lineup gets busted for using steroids. Crystal is meant to don the number 60 one day before his sixtieth birthday, but due to Yankee owner George Steinbrenner might have to don it considerably more than that. Steinbrenner has long been suspected of making a pact with the devil, the key to all his billions and the Yankees success, as well as the reason Steinbrenner has been the source of so much controversy. It would only make sense that a man like this would make a man who has wanted to play ball for the Yankees all his life sell his precious soul to the devil.
The good news, if you could call it that, is that Mr. Crystal is a very popular man, and will bring the people to the seats, which would make Steinbrenner even wealthier. There is hope this money would then bolster the Yankees to win yet another championship game, and of course fear that it will be used to fund some top-secret campaign to devour the world in the name of Lucifer.
Crystal, however, has no worries about this situation, simply being far too happy about his chance to play with the Brooklyn Bombers, authorized by baseball commissioner Bud Selig, to care.
“"I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this'll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I'm looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them.”
While Billy Crystal's enthusiasm may well be real, his opinion of the players ages might not, as, according to some sources, they are all just cosmetically altered forms of the same players the Yankees have always had, bound to serve the team forever, a fate Crystal might share. Whether the actor would mind being forced to play with the same team for the rest of eternity is unclear, but seeing as he has a rather lucrative career in Hollywood as well as a family seldom seen in Hollywood (meaning, still on his first wife), a reasonably qualified guess would be yes, he would mind. I am quite sure most people would mind being forced to toil endlessly for rabid baseball fans, and constantly being accused of using performance enhancing drugs, I mean, who would not?
However, of course all of this is just speculation based on the rantings of dozens of baseball lovers and the fact that George Steinbrenner has dozens of Satanic symbols in his closet (as well as a pair of purple socks, which is another story entirely).


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