Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 3/2/08

Roger Clemens might start new career- as a bookie
By, Cozmic
Things are looking bad for star-pitcher Roger Clemens. He’s been accused of taking more steroids than your average morally correct, aside from the 'roids, socialist nationalist (so, basically, Nazi, and thus not morally correct at all) Swedish childhood hero. Under investigation by the Justice Department for possible perjury, due to denying he ever took steroids or human growth hormones, a fact contradicted by his personal trainer Brian McNamee, Clemens is now looking for alternate careers. One of the options he has considered seems to be starting a gambling ring in Sweden, mainly dealing in figure skating, a sport neglected by most other betting companies.
What Clemens seems to have missed is that the reason many companies shun the sport is because nobody watches it, and that the Swedish national team, with their extra-terrestrial trainer, totally dominates the competition, even with the rules no longer allowing for decapitation of the opposing teams, meaning in Sweden most companies would simply lose money since everyone just bets on the Swedish team anyway. In national competitions, however, Clemens might have found a niche, except for the fact that there is still no betting man watching, nor any betting woman.
Clemens denies all this with his regular stoicism, saying that he will not talk about it until the DOJ has made their decision and his baseball career lies in shambles. If it never does, chances are he will never fly over to Sweden, start another annoying betting site, or extort his “friends” for money, something he might become exceptionally good at, what with those giant possibly steroid-created muscles and all.
If he does get convicted, the ability to fly over to Sweden, or simply swim after taking a few good injections and passing the Atlantic Ocean in about five hours, might be a very good one for him, as nobody in Sweden really knows baseball and thus has no idea what Roger Clemens really looks like, meaning he will easily be able to slip under the radar and join the ranks of people who nobody cares about, and nobody knows or gives a hoot what the bosses of all those betting-companies look like anyway.
However, one can question whether or not the sanity of Clemens is still there, considering exactly what his plans are. If space aliens can't drum up support for figure-skating, can a baseball player? According to market analysts, it is not entirely impossible, since “sports always get more viewers than science fiction shows”.
A bit of humor in the situation is that since the news started spreading, betting companies and bookies are now not only betting on whether Clemens is guilty or not (anything sports related is a good bet, after all), but also whether any other potential venture he does will make it through its first year. So far, both bets are against him, but everyone should know by now that sports always contain that element of surprise.


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