Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 2/17/08

Sweden's secret to winning dog shows
By, Cozmic
On February 16th 19:29 GMT, the Swedish secret to winning so many dog shows was finally discovered, and the Swedes in question have been hanging their heads in shame ever since.
It would appear that the secret behind Gunnar Eriksson and Anna Wettergren's success has been, and this is so tragically hilarious I can barely type it, and then you have to keep in mind I'm a person that's seen a lot of really weird things. But this, dear reader, this takes the cake, at least in the “things I have seen in a dog show” category. Because, and let us be totally honest now.. who the hell dresses up in a dog-suit just to win prizes? Why not just, oh, I don't know, buy a real dog!? Apparently because real dogs cannot win contests by being entirely 100% kooky. Because really, how many real, actual dogs manage to stand on their hind-legs and do the peanut-butter jelly dance? Apparently, the answer is zero.
For the past four years, the couple Eriksson and Wettergren have competed in multiple dog-shows around the world, with Eriksson playing the dog, Fike, using a very lifelike and rather suspect suit and Wettergren its master. The implications of this are of course horrifying, so of course they claim they only did this for the money and to prove that they could.

The suit, which must have been exceptionally painful to wear, depicts a small St. Bernard, just big enough to be adorable, inside which is some complicated mechanics, and some not at all complicated mechanics. To be honest, the most impressive part of it all is the mouth, made using some technical mumbo-jumbo. The thing even looks real, although this might be because Gunnar, who would cram his tiny frame into the suit, would put on fake dentures and show off his real mouth. Apparently he has just bad enough hygiene that he passes for a dog, or he eats dog food to get everything just right. The couple refused to comment, so I am not really sure which, or if it is some extremely frightening third option. Pads seemed to ease the pain of walking around in it, while a few bribes helped with that pesky problem of some people still not thinking the not-actual-dog deserved to win. This begs the question of why even bother with the whole thing when you could just enter an ugly dog you got from the pound and bribe your way to victory, but then I decided I did not want to go there. I really, really hope it is because they just do not want a dog, I really do. Anything else is quite frankly too scary to consider.
Nobody knows exactly what the law says about impersonating something that is not, in fact, a person as such, but of course the couple have been permanently banned from all dog-shows for life.
The couple was caught by a group of teenagers, saying there was something mysterious about the way the dog wagged its tail, or cursed as it occasionally ate dog-biscuits. The teenagers, who have chosen to remain anonymous so they can drive around in a van and keep thwarting impostors, then went to police, who investigated the matter, just as the couple was about to claim the best-in-show title. Gunnar Eriksson was quoted as saying “we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!”


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