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Past Sports from the past week. Past sports article for the week of 1/6/08 Sweden enlists the aid of Extraterrestrials- for skating! By, Cozmic During a press conference today, which was curiously empty considering the revelation, but then again, it was about figure-skating, Sweden announced their plans on how to totally dominate the entire sport of figure-skating for years to come. Present at the press conference were not only a bunch of people everyone promptly forgets about, but also a strange looking man in some really weird clothing. Upon closer examination, and him taking his helmet off, he was not so much a man as he was an alien, which is odd, since I would have thought most aliens wouldn't visit Sweden. Heck, most Swedes don't want to visit Sweden. Then the coach of the Swedish figure-skating team said they had picked it up at the Kennedy Space Center, after the alien and Christer Fuglesang, the first Swede to ever go into space, had really hit it off one evening during a walk. Why NASA kept the alien a secret from us is anyone's guess. There is also the question of how exactly it got to New York. The alien, through an interpreter that seemed to work better than the one in Mars Attacks!, if only slightly, told us that he was, in fact, a he, and that he came from a distant star system where people skated on ice all the time and a bit extra, having a twenty-five hour day, and that he would proudly teach the Swedish team all of his secrets, except perhaps the really good ones, which was apparently some sort of cue for nervous laughter. Due to his fairly large muscular build, theories about the use of the alien in some sort of Tonya Harding-esque scandal abound, especially once it was revealed that the alien also uses his skating as a form of martial arts to fight off giant monsters with acidic blood, and their smaller off-spring that also have acidic blood. Swedish coaches maintain that the alien, who still refuses to give us a name we can pronounce or spell or anything, will simply teach the Swedish figure-skaters how to twirl and twirl and raise their legs up high so they could potentially decapitate someone and then tap-dance on their corpse, and that no hitting people on the back of the knee “will occur in plain sight”. Exactly what that means is unknown, possibly the alien has some sort of invisibility device, although he seems reluctant to share all of his cool space gadgetry such as that neat digital watch, or those skates of his that aren't made of metal so much as pure light. These did not seem to work, however, as the ice just melted, and the alien faceplanted and became the laughing stock of the four gathered reporters. Either his home-planet is way colder, or someone got him those as a gag-gift. The press conference ended with a display of the Swedish team's new skills, which included cutting a melon in half in mid-air and some rather crazy kung fu stuff, such as giant leaps and kicks into the air, round kicks, skating backwards while holding someone over your head only to then launch them like a disc at more poor and innocent melons and finally cutting a hole in the ice so no one else could use it. Everyone left the press conference rather intimidated and more than a little curious about how something not from this solar system can teach everyone how to skate so freakishly well, and quite sure that any judge who does not give out high points in the future will most likely end up being decapitated and tap-danced on. |
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