Past Sports



Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 12/22/07

Don’t Drink the Eggnog! Eggnog Ring Uncovered…
By, Puns McKenna

Oh my God! The Eggnog isn’t even safe anymore. Sports officials have found out the holiday crime racket going on behind the scenes. Secret studies have shown that athletes are using the favored holiday drink to conceal performance-enhancing drugs. Several fliers were found containing messages like: “Eggnog the gateway to fleet feet!” and “Lickable reindeer, they make you fly!”
The official word is that this is being dealt with decisively. How decisively has not been disseminated yet. Many players all across the sports world have been reported as being very nervous and keeping low profiles since this crime ring was uncovered. No formal charges have been brought against anyone yet, however the rumors abound. No one is certain how long the Eggnog Ring has been operating, but it is said to have begun operations sometime in the 1960’s. I guess they really did take sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll a little too literally, huh?

Though, now that I think about it, perhaps we should ship all the tainted eggnog to the Miami Dolphins. It may improve their game and preclude the necessity of replacing them with chimps. Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig was all for revealing the abusers and users of performance enhancing drugs this season. He was behind the special team that came in to unravel the drug ring in baseball. It saved the Major League a lot of face and made the season smoother.

Reviewing the sports ticker for the year 2007 we have seen many wins and losses. Players have changed teams, made their jobs either more important or obsolete. Some have been incarcerated or charged with outrageous and heinous crimes. Over all, the sports world had a rather shaky year in 2007. Key players have done all sorts of stupid things. From Dog-fighting to using performance-enhancers. It appears that the sports world has finally come into the twenty-first century. Technical know how is becoming more important that actual skill in your sport.

In baseball we had the Boston Red Sox win the World Series. The Superbowl is coming soon. And it’s looking like either the Dallas Cowboys or the Green Bay Packers will be facing off against the New England Patriots. In Basketball we have Boston leading the Eastern Conference with Detroit and Orlando trailing close behind. In the Western Conference we have Phoenix and San Antonio leading over Denver. In Hockey we have Carolina romping over the Eastern Conference and Anaheim tromping the Western Conference.

It seems that at least some of our athletes can manage to play the games still, a vast majority in fact. Do we really need the gateway drugs of steroids and performance enhancers slipped into holiday drinks? What are we going to see these loony sports fanatics do next? Are they going to start licking a Ling Ling or perhaps reindeer?

It is said that reindeer fly. So why can’t they? Okay now I’ve got some group of football players in my head, all standing around singing Somewhere over the Rainbow with some sort of weird and twisted lyrics. What a tragic thought, no?

Personally I’d be afraid to touch the eggnog at one of the “team holiday” parties. While it isn’t all that common anymore you can o.d. on those performance-enhancing drugs. Too butcher a quote, “A slip of the hand and it’s off to dreamland.”


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