Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 10/31/07

Sweden's used-to-be-secret plan for winning the Olympic Games
By, Cozmic

With the Summer Olympic games drawing ever closer, people wonder how their country will fare. Now, Sweden usually fares decent at these sorts of things, but with the recent complete and utter failure in the international athletic scene lately, the people are worried. The only gold was by Carolina Klüft in the heptathlon, a rather grand accomplishment but one that needs to be accompanied by victories in other events as well, much like the previous summer Olympics. Worries were high that the country was facing yet another failure, but lately ultimate victory has been ensured. Really Pathetic News Network once again went deep undercover, this time as a towel, to discover just how the Swedish Olympic team planned to carry home more gold from Beijing than China has bought to jack up the prices of metals in the entire world.
What we found was not only horribly shocking, but also Swedish to the core. Every athlete will have a diet consisting of “surströmming” (soured herring); if not the world's foulest smelling food then it is certainly up there in the top at least. A quick glance of the rules says there is nothing inherently illegal about poisoning the air around you during a competition. It is believed that the horrible odour that combines rotten eggs, rancid butter and vinegar with a healthy dose of pure disgusting will be highly distracting or even downright harmful to the opposition. Exactly how much of this horrifyingly foul-smelling substance the Swedish athletes will have to consume or train around in order for them to grow immune is unknown at this time, but estimates place it at “Way too much” and then some. The pain involved in this process could possibly mean Sweden will instead run out of athletes, all of them locked up in a mental ward somewhere, griping about the smell. Since towels are unable to interview people without arousing a bit too much suspicion we were unable to get a direct statement about whether this is a risk that is truly worth taking or not, however, judging by the fish deliveries and the enormous bill for acquiring this so-called delicacy, I would assume that the plan is going into action, and the execution is not going to be cheap, both financially and in human lives.
It is rather sickening to see what we have come to, essentially using either performance enhancing drugs or finding a relatively cheap way to poison our opponents (the original idea, documents indicate, were to buy incredibly cheap cocaine and give as gifts to other countries athletic teams) in order to win a simple medal. A medal that proves you are the best in the world at what you do, granted, but still just a medal. Symbolically it has all the weight in the world, but only if you acquire it by not cheating. Whether using a loophole in the rules is considered wit and thus should be considered fair is a discussion I will leave to somebody else, as personally I will be too busy mocking foreign people if Sweden wins gold medals to care.


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