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Past Sports from the past week. Past sports article for the week of 8/14/07 Tiger Woods’ Non Golf Related Secret International golfing celebrity Tiger Woods has achieved great fame and respect, opening golf to African American’s and non-doctors as well as becoming a publicity legend. Now a discovery has been made that may well bring that crashing down. A small source of pride for Woods and many other people has been his mixed racial heritage, being a mix of African American, Chinese, Thai, Dutch, Martian, Texan and Native American through both parents. Now there has been a stunning accusation that Tiger Woods’ parents, Earl and Klutida, are not his biological parents, that they in fact adopted him from sewer mutants. To make matters worse these were not simply a young couple of sewer mutants who got into a spot of bother and tried to give their offspring the best chance they could. Tiger Woods has three parents. This may not be entirely accurate either as it is common sewer mutant practice to state the number of parents as the lowest possible number before encountering any phrase that begins with “But then how did you . . . ?” Apparently “Tiger” was not so much a nickname as an accurate description. The rumour has been started by uncovered medical information that shows Woods has received plastic surgery for excessive hair, striped birth marks and a large tail that would have been good for bouncing. This information led intrepid reporters to dig deeper into Tiger’s history, resulting in a partially destroyed paper trail leading to an adoption agency that specialises in finding homes for “difficult” youngsters, a common euphemism for orphans of sewer extraction. While the exact identity of Tiger’s parents is not yet known the adoption papers indicate a trio of parents, something that is sure to become a discussion point among conservatives, and that they dwelt in the sewers. Tiger Woods, his family and his peers in the golfing community have declined to comment, though more than a few golfers have expressed little surprise, seeing that this explains many things, such as Woods’ surprise winning streak during 2001 what could only have been achieved with sewer mutant abilities, such as the miracle putt, a act that put him two strokes behind his nearest competitor and yet resulted in that same competitor suffering two dislocated arms. Public outcry has been muted for the moment, many refusing to believe that someone like Tiger Woods could be part mutant, let alone a full-blown sewer mutant. Although there is nothing preventing sewer mutants from playing golf there is still a degree of public distaste towards sewer mutants and their tendency to vote for Ross Perot even when he’s not standing for election that could end this stellar career. |
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