Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 7/31/07

Simple Pleasures… or Darwinism?
By, Puns McKenna

Signore Campolioni drank four cups an hour for the first six hours. By noon he brought that up to eight cups an hour. A bystander asked him to explain why he was consuming so much coffee. According to reports, Signore Campolioni responded, “It is such a rush. I want to see just how much of this stuff I can consume before I pass out.”

For the next twelve hours the Signore increased his intake by four cups an hour. At midnight he was consuming an astonishing fifty-six cups and hour. The owner of the café, while enjoying the notoriety it was giving him, grew concerned. He called for medical personnel to be on the safe side.

At twenty minutes past midnight the three cups of coffee Signore Campolioni was drinking crashed to the sidewalk. The paramedics rushed in as Campolioni slumped forward into the frothy foam of his mochachino frappe.

Signore Campolioni was rushed to the area hospital to have his stomach pumped and his vitals monitored. He was grossly dehydrated and dangerously close to stopping his heart. Doctors were amazed that he could withstand so much caffeine, and have termed the case a medical oddity.

Several tests were run and medical personnel discovered a series of puzzling side effects of the high caffeine intake. The oddest of these side effects is that Signore Campolioni is now barren. Tests show that the caffeine has stunted the functions of many of his biological systems, most incredibly his reproductive system.

Doctors are uncertain whether Signore Campolioni will ever recover from the massive overdose of caffeine, however they will do all they can to make his withdrawal symptoms bearable. “For the next several years at least he will need to be on dialysis machines and may need a pacemaker,” one doctor commented.

It is unknown how long Signore Campolioni will be able to enjoy his fame, but his actions will be preserved for all time in the Guinness Book of World Records. “Most caffeine consumed in a twenty-four hour period.” “Most cups of coffee drunk in an hour.” “Longest time without a bathroom break.” “Oddest way to remove yourself from the gene pool.”

The next time you think that coffee drinking is a sport… Beware.