Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 7/10/07

Swedish athletes attempt to fight off giant mosquitoes
By, Cozmic

In the heat of Swedish summer, giant mosquitoes thrive, suck blood and multiply. But giant mosquitoes will not thrive on just any bit of blood, they require the blood of well trained athletes, causing a bit of a ruckus on the eastern coast of Sweden. Giant mosquitoes are, as the name implies, considerably larger than your regular mosquitoes, and therefore consume more blood. It turns out athletes are rather found of their blood, and also dislike gigantic mosquito bites everywhere. They find that the itching makes it harder to focus.
Several plans have been adopted depending on what sort of athlete to defend against those hand-sized pesky insects, all of which have thus far met with pretty severe failure. For instance, hammer throwers have met with little success in trying to squash the bugs by spinning around the giant steel ball, and also end up with double the dizziness due to lack of blood and spinning around so much. Nobody has yet to try and release the ball, which would probably be a good idea, far better than just collapsing with it. Who knows, maybe someone will break the old world record, or at least a few windows.
Meanwhile, the spear throwers attempt to impale as many of them as possible to make a mosquito shish kebab and then toss it has merely lead to a lot of nothing, and frantic cries of “Get them off me!” followed up the frantic laughter of the coaches. Which, then, would turn into “aaarrrgh, get them off ME, I'm the important one here!”
Due to their total lack of imagination, and possibly due to being cowards, all the runners simply choose to run from their bloodsucking problems, which, it seems, doesn't work so well, especially not when you trip on bugs squashed on your feet. Regardless, this works better without the hurdles, the regular runners at least get a few meters before falling down wrapped in a cloud of giant parasites.
The soccer players, true to form, have all fled abroad in order to protect their images. We all know that careers would be ruined if all those bites started swelling up, and besides, giant mosquitoes are scary enough to cause the most hardened soccer player to run away in blind panic screaming like a little girl. For a bit, anyway, then they would have to stop and catch their breath. It is a known fact no soccer player runs very far even with adrenaline for a great length of time, only short bursts.
The high jumpers attempt to jump and land on the bugs have thus far resulted in three damaged backs and not much else, with similar results for the long jumpers.
About the only type of athlete to have any sort of success with the problem is the badminton and tennis players, where the size of the mosquitoes means the rackets make excellent bugswatters. The fact that they don't die unless you hit them hard enough is also a very good incentive to learn how to smash, and good hand-eye coordination is necessary to swat the pesky parasites. This means that the only actually good athletes Sweden might have will be in the fairly negligible sports of badminton and tennis, because everyone else just was not prepared to handle the assault of the giant mosquitoes.


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