Past Sports from the
Past sports article for the week of 11/23/06
Rollerball Lethality Reduced
By, Grey Sports
The fading sport of Rollerball has suffered a number of setbacks in recent
years. Decaying stadiums, poor seating, the criticism that baseball was
now a faster paced game, and charges that this is the cheapest run sport
in the world this side of the Winter Olympics have been levelled at Rollerball
and become stuck in the public’s minds. Many believe the bloodiest sport
in the Western World lacks appropriate defenders.
Indeed, some say that Mike Tyson decrying Rollerball as needlessly violent
was the last nail in the coffin.
Consequently team owners got their heads together and attempted to remedy
the situation without spending any money.
Hey, what do you want when Rupert Murdoch owns one in five teams?
Most of the changes were quiet and all but unnoticeable.
Stadiums were renovated using whatever refuse was at hand, and thus most
of the safety barriers now consist of Popsicle sticks and stained taco
papers. Oddly enough this makes for a safer environment as the leftover
juices of the refuse is a stronger adhesive than the silly putty used
in most stadium construction and taco papers are stronger than the pressed
peanut shells first used.
Setting was reclassified as being economical and environmentally friendly.
Economical in that no money was spent, and environmentally friendly because
they’re smaller than SUVs.
Finally it was decided that the lethality that characterised Rollerball
would be reduced.
This was the change everyone noticed.
In a subsequent press release it was revealed that the reduced bloodshed
was supposed to increase attendance numbers by making the sport more family
friendly, with less blood splatter and gore to frighten the children.
Shock and sorrow was the response that greeted the new sport, as Chicago
Scythes Lead Jacob “Run’em Through” Watson stopped short of decapitating
Seattle Shotguns Offensive Motorcyclist Leroy Nelson – a much loved signature
move among the 50 plus crowd – and instead simply smashed the cyclist’s
spine with his stick.
Fan reaction was far from favourable, reservist Ben Pitcher was dragged
out of the sideline pit and brutally beaten with economical, environmentally
A riot was narrowly avoided when the teams, motivated by fear for their
lives, suddenly improvised and reverted to former rules and practices
just to stop the fans from rushing the field and tearing them apart.
The overall reaction has been one of “What is this sport? Rollerball is
Now a leaked report states that the true reason for the bloodless changes
was due to spiralling costs of body bags and mops to soak up the blood.
Player reaction has been utter disgust. As far as many are concerned it’s
bad enough that there is no health insurance, doctors are at best Mexican
trained and express trucks to dog food factories stand by outside of medical
bays, but this is seen as the last indignity.
One player, speaking on condition of anonymity has stated that unless
there is some improvement in conditions players will quit and just start
killing each other for free on the streets.