Past Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 10/30/06

Monkey's with Money...

By, Puns McKenna

So I was watching a football game on TV the other day. A thing I rarely do, and it occurred to me. Football players. Any sports player is somewhat akin to a performing monkey. Why do I say this? Well to put it quite bluntly, Sports players are too pampered. Do they love their sports? Of course they do. Do they play their sports? Certainly! But let's examine the particulars.

Sports players play their sports. They do it in front of thousands of fans, and several television cameras. So fifty million people get to sit at home and watch these pretty boys of the playing field, and fifty thousand people get to sit in the stands and watch them play. But what do the players get?

The players get state of the art locker rooms. Nice cushy paychecks, and fame. Ah... The root of it all isn't it? Fame? When's the last time you saw a sports player that just played for the love of the game. I don't think I ever have. It's kind of like the chimp and the organ grinder. Do you know why the chimp performs, day after day? It isn't because of the training. A monkey knows that if he performs, he'll get a banana. But he does it for the attention too. By nature, humans and monkeys are social creatures.

And you know what I'd like to see? A total role reversal. Lets put the monkeys in the Sports uniforms and let them play football, baseball, and any other sport. I can just see it now.

"The Chimps have the ball. It's fourth and goal with thirty seconds left to go. The score is tied. And the Macaques need a touch down to win the game."

Can't you just picture the thin, wiry Chimps, their football jerseys held on only by the shoulder pads? Or how about the Macaques, their short, stocky bodies filling out their jerseys. As primates go. If you can train em, they'll usually do what ever you want. And then all you have to do is lavish attention on them. See to their every need. And you'll have monkeys out there making the same kind of "money" that their human counterparts do, with just as much work.

Are professional athletes soft? On the whole, likely not. But they've grown too accustomed to the money and position that their fame accords them. You could just as easily replace them with primates. And you'd save money too. Think of all the bananas you'd have to buy as opposed to the salary of the average football player. If it was me, I'd take the bananas.

Just my two cents.


 Really Pathetic Productions 2005