Past Sports from the
Past sports article for the week of 10/20/06
(Continued from games on hold)
One fake moustache and some glasses later (how they didn't recognize
me even AFTER I dropped my moustache, I will never know), I am back in
Latveria to report on the results of the super-villain olympics. And also
to assassinate Mysterio, because NO ONE frames Cozmic! No one!
The much delayed discus-event finally took place, although Magneto's throw
proved to be very heard to beat. That is, until Bane beat Magneto upside
the head on orders from the Joker. Of course, Joker's frisbee with the
razor edges managed nothing more than to kill a few Latverians. The subsequent
assault by Doctor Doom added Joker to the list of people too injured to
compete, much to the joy of everyone else.
The javelin throw further added to the injury list. Most surprising was
that Lex Luthor was still standing up after the carnage that nearly ruptured
Two Face's spleen, mildly irritated Doctor Doom, had rocket-powered javelin's
hurled everywhere, had Magneto feel extra cocky and caused Mysterio to
somehow get impaled to the bar meant for the pole vault. And the Penguin
found out that umbrella's are really lousy projectiles, and actually end
up going backwards when caught in a strong wind(poor Two Face.. and I
could have sworn I saw Storm laughing in the stands).
The pole vault itself was, as far as super-villain olympics go, rather
tame. Mysterio somehow tricked everyone into thinking that he jumped over
30 meters into the air, but the holographic projector was discovered later,
and once turned off, also revealed that Mysterio had a very large hole
through his gut. Magneto was sure he had the win so easy, until he realized
his pole was made out of plastic and then deployed a flag that said “Bang”,
causing him to get shocked enough to hit the bar with his face. And of
course Doom sailed over with relative ease.
The hurdles were also a big surprise to most, with Rhino choosing to just
charge straight through them, Lex using the entire event as a way to promote
his new sports shoe, and Doom and Magneto flying over the hurdles.
As the final event drew ever closer, it seemed Doom was about to win,
but with fierce competition from Luthor and Magneto, things were in no
Before the final event, the 1500m race, could begin, however, lawyers
swarmed into Latveria to sue the villains for unauthorised use of the
word Olympics. This was followed by a quick dispute over which was more
evil, killing all the lawyers, or letting them live. The subsequent slaughter
of all lawyers was certainly a finale fitting to the occasion, and also
more fun than the traditional Olympic finishing ceremonies. However, once
the lawyers were all dead, the superheroes chose to end their vacation,
and in the aftermath of the combat, it was found that the current standings
had been lost. It does appear that we will have to wait another four years
before seeing which would-be world ruler we will have to live with, a
time certain to be filled with chaos, new inventions, and a great deal
of recovering and training by almost all villains in the world.