Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 7/25/06

Shopping Championship Starting Soon

By, Cozmic

That's right, soon it will be time for the annual favourite pastime of shopaholics when women between eleven and thirty to choose a new champion. This year marks the 38th year for the world championship, held in the largest mall they could find, the West Edmonton Mall. Fortunately, closing down a mall for the general public one day to only let crazed contestants shop actually made good business sense. A 20% discount on everything is a small price to pay for having nothing but a bunch of competitive and shopping-addicted customers.
The rules, are, however, once again disputed. If the obvious rule of “whoever shops the most wins”, then not only do those with money get an unfair advantage, but people also buy exactly all the crap they can find instead of sticking to merely some of the tacky junk. And while this would bring in the most cash, it is not, according to the arranging women's foundation, fair.
The other option, seemingly favoured by most, is to see who can buy the most tacky and unnecessary, yet not worthless, junk, as determined by a jury, while taxing out their husband's or daddy's credit-card. This is classed as not only fairer, but more central to the key concept of shopping overall. Those few participants with their own incomes highly argue against this, however, along with Paris Hilton, who claims daddy's card would be almost impossible to tax out. Others, such as Peggy Bundy, would easily be able to tax the card out, giving the shoe salesman's wife an unfair advantage, according to the scary blonde hag who was born with money instead of brains. And as such, the debate continues, while hundreds of women and no TV networks or anything like that flock to the event. Tourism in Edmonton has also gone up, since normally no man (well, this time it's mostly women anyway, so still no man) ever visits Edmonton.

Estimated profits are about 150-million Canadian dollars, but this might double depending on whether Paris decides to compete or not. This is not saying she would shop for 150 million dollars, but rather that a lot of contestants would refuse to share air with her, thus dropping profit by about 50 million. You see, only about 10,000 people may enter, and most of these slots are filled up by rabid shopaholics within hours, although obviously the truly rich can demand the sacred 10,001st slot. However, if Miss Hilton was to enter, a lot of the competition would drop out, leaving the last few slots to be filled by “regular” shoppers, not about to spend nearly as much money. However, store-owners in West Edmonton Mall really could not care less if the best of the best at shopping arrives, as long as they get their money. However, the Foundation for All Women Customers (FAWC) maintain that the contest needs to be as fair as possible. And that all higher-ups in the organisation need to get a 70% discount, after they are done competing. This, the West Edmonton Mall highly does not want, as they might then lose all those profits again. Regardless, it is bound to be a somewhat insane event filled with some trampling, some poor security guards being hit on by scary middle-aged women, and an enormous amount of junk for the winner, and an enormous amount of money for the real winner, capitalism!