Sports from the past week.
Past sports article for the week of 2/13/06
Superbowl Madness Extends Beyond Allowed Period
By, Grey Sports
The Superbowl finals which saw Pittsburgh defeat the now unnameable team
from the incredibly embarrassed city (don’t blame me, that’s what they
want to be known as) has resulted in one of the biggest parties Pittsburgh
has seen since Paris Hilton mistook it for Berlin and invited twenty friends,
forty associates, seventy lackeys, ninety five hangers on and one hundred
and ten leeches in human form for Kwanza in July of 2004.
The party went a bit beyond the allowed schedule for Superbowl victory
celebrations by almost a full day. The carnival, speeches, drinking and
re-enactments continued for that long, and though authorities were concerned
city officials reassured them that it was simply that Paris Hilton had
shown them how to truly party hearty.
That the gross damage was only to the same degree had celebrations lasted
the prescribed time was a factor in their favour and authorities seem
happy enough to let Pittsburgh off with a warning and the promise of additional
help in the future should Paris Hilton mistake them for anything else
(though honestly this goes for anyone ever since Ms Hilton had that “I
want the pretty glowy thingy in the sky” incident).
Meanwhile in that unnamed city people have gone crazy in the opposite
direction and do not appear to be stopping.
All street signs, billboards and storefronts that make reference to the
city’s name are being torn down and destroyed.
Rumour has it that they are even trying to get all reference to their
existence removed from all maps, a move strongly contested by the Hidden
City outside of Luxembourg, The Town Without A Name, Illinois, and The
Town Without a Name, Texas.
It is expected that in a few more days Pittsburgh will catch on to the
implicit insult and do something, what exactly is unknown, but it should
make for interesting viewing as long as the hangovers have worn off.
Though hardly the first time this has occurred authorities have determined
to put a stop to this, lest every losing Superbowl team try to hide their
shame by hiding themselves.
Several measures aimed at boosting the self esteem of the losing city
are being considered. However the moves they have taken are unprecedented
in endurance and scope.
Some citizens are considering an impenetrable barrier of drywall to keep
them separated from the rest of the world. After what happened when Sacramento
tried to do the same thing one would think this idea would be thrown out,
however the possibility that everyone could be buried beneath construction
materials of limited endurance does not seem to be a disincentive.
Likewise changing the name of the city to Philadelphia II, while welcomed
for its ease of pronunciation, is another drastic, horrific step that
no one should undertake.
Authorities have stated that they will wait another two days before deciding
on whether to send in paratrooping grief counsellors and a general ad
campaign tentatively titled “At least you’re not Denver”.