Sports from the past week.

Past sports article for the week of 2/13/06

Superbowl Madness Extends Beyond Allowed Period
By, Grey Sports

The Superbowl finals which saw Pittsburgh defeat the now unnameable team from the incredibly embarrassed city (don’t blame me, that’s what they want to be known as) has resulted in one of the biggest parties Pittsburgh has seen since Paris Hilton mistook it for Berlin and invited twenty friends, forty associates, seventy lackeys, ninety five hangers on and one hundred and ten leeches in human form for Kwanza in July of 2004.
The party went a bit beyond the allowed schedule for Superbowl victory celebrations by almost a full day. The carnival, speeches, drinking and re-enactments continued for that long, and though authorities were concerned city officials reassured them that it was simply that Paris Hilton had shown them how to truly party hearty.
That the gross damage was only to the same degree had celebrations lasted the prescribed time was a factor in their favour and authorities seem happy enough to let Pittsburgh off with a warning and the promise of additional help in the future should Paris Hilton mistake them for anything else (though honestly this goes for anyone ever since Ms Hilton had that “I want the pretty glowy thingy in the sky” incident).
Meanwhile in that unnamed city people have gone crazy in the opposite direction and do not appear to be stopping.
All street signs, billboards and storefronts that make reference to the city’s name are being torn down and destroyed.
Rumour has it that they are even trying to get all reference to their existence removed from all maps, a move strongly contested by the Hidden City outside of Luxembourg, The Town Without A Name, Illinois, and The Town Without a Name, Texas.
It is expected that in a few more days Pittsburgh will catch on to the implicit insult and do something, what exactly is unknown, but it should make for interesting viewing as long as the hangovers have worn off.
Though hardly the first time this has occurred authorities have determined to put a stop to this, lest every losing Superbowl team try to hide their shame by hiding themselves.
Several measures aimed at boosting the self esteem of the losing city are being considered. However the moves they have taken are unprecedented in endurance and scope.
Some citizens are considering an impenetrable barrier of drywall to keep them separated from the rest of the world. After what happened when Sacramento tried to do the same thing one would think this idea would be thrown out, however the possibility that everyone could be buried beneath construction materials of limited endurance does not seem to be a disincentive.
Likewise changing the name of the city to Philadelphia II, while welcomed for its ease of pronunciation, is another drastic, horrific step that no one should undertake.
Authorities have stated that they will wait another two days before deciding on whether to send in paratrooping grief counsellors and a general ad campaign tentatively titled “At least you’re not Denver”.