Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/24/05

Xphileís Tapes: Secrets Revealed IV
By, Grey Xphile

With all the attention lately on Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith it seemed appropriate that I do the same. After all, the US government is also going Star Wars mad trying to put weapons in space, why not me? Uh, with Star Wars that is, not weapons in space. Honest.
I know what youíre thinking, what am I doing jumping on a bandwagon? Simple. Ratings.
I need to bring people in, this seemed like a way of doing it without sacrificing my integrity.
No, really.
To that end I managed to secure an interview with one of the key movers and shakers within the Jedi Order, Anakin Skywalker.
I have to admit, heís come a long way since his days as a padawan. However as we shall see he either still lacks some integral knowledge or else is deviously cunning.
<Tape Begins>
Grey Xphile: So, Anakin, we meet at last.
Anakin Skywalker: We met last Thursday. You wanted an interview and I thought you were with an important publication.
GX: I am.
AS: Yeah. Anyway I donít just dump an appointment. Iím trying to get a media friendly reputation.
GX: Okay. I suppose I should start with the one big question. Anakin Skywalker, who is your daddy?
AS: Excuse me?
GX: So come on, answer. Whoís your daddy?
AS: What?
GX: Whoís your daddy? You should know this one. Itís really simple.
AS: Well, I was told that the medichlorians Ė
GX: No! Not those. Medicholorians are just Qui Gon Jinís fevered delusions after a few too many bottles of Sith strength vodka. No medichlorians, this is The Force weíre talking about, and The Force ainít your daddy.
AS: But my mother said Ė
GX: Your motherís lying to cover up the fact she had the bad taste to hang around with space accountants on Friday nights.
AS: Stop saying those sorts of things about my mother, itís making me angry. You wouldnít like me when Iím angry.
GX: Stealing lines from Bruce Banner is not going to help. Although when Banner said that to me he was right, him being angry wasnít fun. So it probably is a good idea not to press it. Anyway, letís get back to the question of who your daddy is. Come on, Iíve asked this of George W. Bush and he had the answer.
AS: Of course he did, George Bush senior, one of the presidents in days gone by. That was easy, even for George W. Bush.
GX: Not like that, I mean like when I asked Luke Skywalker who his daddy was.
AS: Thatís easy too, itís me. I married his mother.
GX: Yes, but not like that, youíre his daddy for other reasons.
AS: I would hope I was his father, after all weíve been through. And on top of that there were the appearances on Oprah, Dr Phil, Sally Jessie, itís just not funny anymore.
<Tape ends>
As you can see I really wasnít able to get all that much out of him. This means that Anakin Skywalker is either the dimmest bulb in a house without power or the single most cunning individual in existence to out talk me. Me. Everyone knows I donít shut up.
One thing is for sure, Anakin Skywalker has a daddy, someone who will beat him until the sun goes down. And when this person is found only then will balance be restored to The Force, and will we have a credible ally to take down Steven Spielberg.




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