Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 5/8/05

Oompa-Loompas, Where are they Today?
By, Grey Entertainment

One of the least asked Hollywood questions is the final fate of those most beloved, oft forgotten members of the Chocolate Factory tale. Much humour has been made at their expense, with numerous comedies mocking their role in the movies, their statures and their colouration. Indeed they are the last remaining race and/or height joke. Most reading piece would have responded to the title with “a field of small graves”.
The truth is a little less pretty than the joke. The majority of Oompa-Loompas are indeed dead, however not for the expected reasons. Executives working on the original “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” could not afford to pay wages to Dwarves or those of less than standard stature. They did not see much point in hiring half the actor for full time. And it would have been a very full time, as each would have had to be dipped in a vat of special dye that stained their skin orange and hair green. There were also some issues with signing waivers for this procedure.
In the end it turned out that hiring real Oompa-Loompas was cheaper. Coming from a poor, third world country that had not yet discovered the joys of ripping off fat American tourists they jumped at the opportunity.
Unfortunately the studio only hired nine Oompa-Loompas. Through careful hairstyling and electrified harnesses that jolted them if they did not move fast enough they were made to appear as a horde. The result was a riot outside of the screening rooms as two hundred Oompa-Loompas attempted to gain the same nine parts.
The criminal nature of this act does not end there. In addition to the above the Oompa-Loompas were legally robbed by the studio. Because they added a “half actor, half pay” clause they were already paying much less than they normally would. They also forced the Oompa-Loompas into a gruelling filming schedule that meant that none of them spent more than six hours a day on set, leading to a “half time, half again pay” clause.
Though the film is remembered fondly the actors themselves are not.
Of the nine six were killed in the fateful Boston “Snow White Slaughter” when an entire stage exploded, killing those six Oompa-Loompas, five members of the audience and three people no one cared about anyway.
The seventh member playing in that troupe was crippled, now reminiscing bitterly on the only two acting events of his life, the last, which crippled him, was also tragically considered to be a step in the right direction for their careers.
The remaining pair of Oompa-Loompas are now living in secret as illegal aliens inside the US. They have undergone radical surgery, paid for by Michael Jackson as a part of his ongoing experiments, and now appear almost as white as he does.
Rumour has it that these three were hired as consultants for the new “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” movie, however equally credible rumours state that they have attempted to destroy the movie, the set and the actors, and even chocolate itself.
The end result is a sad and rarely read chapter in Hollywood’s history, matched only by the continued attempt of Jim Carey to act.