Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 4/23/05

Xphile’s Tapes: Secrets Revealed III
By Grey Xphile

Right, this time I have something truly earth shattering to present to you. This time it’s going to be big, and noticeable, and not at all reassuring. Not like that last one. Though I do have to admit, those burgers are good.
However this time I’ve got some real material, something you can all sink your teeth into.
I managed to lure a psychic away from his protective minions. Not an easy task, but just listen to this:
Grey Xphile: About time you turned up.
P: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’ve got the money? I don’t do these private readings for free.
GX: First I want a few confessions.
P: No.
GX: It always amazes me how much psychics can be taken by surprise.
P: Look, I keep telling people, we’re not capable of seeing everything before us, we see glimpses, hints. And even then the spirits have to be willing to guide us. Which clearly they weren’t owing to the presence of a piece of scum like you.
GX: Tell me what’s in your pants.
P: What? No. Never. That probably qualifies as sexual harassment!
GX: I know you’re hiding something. Something so terrible not even your reputation as a hack could survive.
P: I have no idea what you’re talking about, I am responsible for many high quality hours of entertainment and information. I bring closure that no standard source could possibly –
GX: I can see it now, poking through your pants. And if I can see it, surely anyone else can.
P: Okay, I admit it! We’ve all got hairy, hairy legs. Each and every last psychic on television is the same, male, female, young, old, it doesn’t matter! Our legs are so hairy that we were the basis for the Wookie costume! George Lucas would have hired us to play the Wookies, except that we’re all too damn small! It would be laughable and pathetic! Rank, upon rank of short Wookies with knobbly knees! It would have been worse than Jar Jar!
GX: Uh, well, err, that was, shall we say, interesting. However that wasn’t really what I had contacted you about. I actually had information on your other, uh, pants related issue.
P: What? Oh, that. Well this is a bit embarrassing really.
GX: Yeah, a bit uncomfortable.
P: The answer is no, we don’t have microphones in our pants.
GX: Then what is that pointy thing by your knee?
P: That? Uh, it’s a novelty wallet.
GX: Looks very microphony to be a wallet.
P: Novelty wallet. Besides, what would a microphone, which this isn’t, be doing in my pants? It’s not at all a logical part of any sort of psychic or TV event.
GX: Actually, that’s the really interesting part –
P: I’m going now.
G: Hey, get back here!
<Tape Ends>
I would continue but what follows is two hours of chase material that is best summed up as a Benny Hill type experience, though a little less fun.
It turns out that if you make girls chase after you in bikinis they hit you really hard.