Past Opinion Articles

Article for the week of 3/13/05

Ghosts Clambering for Attention
By, Grey Events

The recent increase in zombie activities recently has lead to many supernatural creatures to attempt to increase their visibility, lest they find themselves ignored and marginalised.Vampires, werewolves and human lawyers have thus far failed in their efforts, with two werewolf oriented sitcoms failing in humiliating fashion in competition with “Joey”, and the one quote by human lawyer Peter Jeffries in regards to the Michael Jackson case “Being rich and famous is not enough” dooming most efforts. Ghosts have, surprisingly, not joined in this effort, choosing to go their own way rather than ally themselves with other supernatural entities.Several off-Broadway shows have featured prominent ghost actors such as The Ghost of James Dean, The Ghost of Marilyn Monroe and The Ghost of Lassie IV. Additionally in an astonishing act of goodwill The Ghost of Ritchie Vallens materialised at a J-Lo concert and slapped the pop princess all the way off stage and into her SUV. As Ms Lopez fled in her private jet she found Vallens in the pilot seat while The Ghost of Buddy Holly and The Ghost of the Big Bopper hit her minibar. If rumours are to be believed Lopez has retreated to her mansion and refuses to sing again, a bright day for the world indeed. There have been some difficulties, both political and physical. Being largely unable to affect their surrounding hosts are dependent upon humans. While this is not a problem in entertainment or political circles, scientists and manufacturing giants are finding it troubling. Financial ghosts have no problem buying humans willing to be possessed simply for the thrill of rolling around in money, however this offers nothing for those who want to give their autographs. Indeed, a cottage industry has developed whereby people pretend to be possessed by various ghosts and sell autographs, angering the ghostly community that promise swift revenge once the perpetrators die. Additionally the issue of identity has become a sticky issue. When Zombie Liberace dueted with The Ghost of Liberace matters were confusing, though highly entertaining. When The Ghost of Kurt Cobain got together with and performed a concert with the rest of Nirvana in competition with Zombie Kurt Cobain and Zombie Courtney Love (otherwise known as Courtney Love) there was some confusion as to which was the “real” Kurt Cobain. Philosophical discussions as to whether the rotting flesh of insubstantial spirit of a being is their true representation has turned several concerts in to busts, and a small bloodbath as Zombie J. P. Morgan beat the living and unliving snot out of The Ghost of J.P. Morgan, in possession of Mike Tyson, during an attempt to wrest his fortune away from his heirs. With a potential legal battle looming both zombies and ghosts are preparing themselves, each scrambling their best lawyers and desperately ignoring the human lawyers desperate for attention.